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One thing the Princess being taken from us has done is caused us to giving fertility treatment another shot. Because maybe…just maybe…it would bring less heartache. (While still continuing to foster). Last time we went we learned that Ronnie and I were both okay but they were concerned I wasn’t ovulating on my own. (Even though the OPK’s said I was when I tested each month). So, we went back In early December and because I am 29 now our doctor suggested we “skip the Clomid we took last time and bring out the big guns.” I suddenly felt like I was turning 50 soon instead of 30. 8( He suggested we do two tests and then start on HSG shots if test results were optimal. One of these tests was a Hysterosalpinogram (HSG test). This test is simply getting a picture of the uterus and fallopian tubes. The test is performed in a radiology suite and a speculum is inserted into your lady business and a small catheter is introduced through the cervix and into the uterus. X-Ray dye is then pushed through the catheter to fill the uterus and tubes. The resulting image shows the inside of the uterus (not the walls) and whether the tubes are open. It’s a good screening test for uterine malformations. It’s limited in that it doesn’t show the walls of the uterus or the ovaries directly. It’s essentially a shadow of the womans anatomy and there are times when these shadow can be incomplete. In these cases, other tests such as a Sonohysterography (SIS Test). My doctor ordered a HSG test to begin and it was scheduled for December 20...my anniversary. I started to reschedule because I couldn’t help myself and googled the test. I shouldn’t have. I knew better. But I had to find out everything I could on this test and other people’s experiences and…wow! The horror stories!!! I was scared out of my mind when the day came. Terrified. People said it was the worst ten minutes of their life…worse than childbirth…and on and on. To make a long story short I took the doctor and internets advice and took Midol 1 hour before for the cramps the test causes. I have these two nurses holding my hands with a death grip and looking at me with pity like I was on my death bed. Not a good way to calm you down and make you believe, “It’s really not that bad.” I thought it was a breeze until the dye went in. It wasn’t horrific but burned some and caused pretty bad cramps. But I’ve had worse cramps (miscarriage) and worse pain (two surgeries). The dye went right through the right tube and was a little slower going through the right tube but eventually went through. The neat thing is that there is a monitor to the right of your head suspended from the ceiling that allows you to watch the dye entering your uterus and fallopian tubes while it happens. After it was all over the cramps were gone and I was so hopeful!!! During it all one nurse leaned down and told me something that I had read on the internet and was secretly hoping was true…”You know, most women get pregnant after this test because it cleans out your tubes. You chances increase by 30% for the next 3 months.” So yes, hopeful. I think I smiled for the rest of the day. The fact that it was my 5 year anniversary to an amazing man contributed big time as well. I could NEVER have made it through most of what I have without his support and putting up with me when I am less than loveable. I was so hopeful in fact that I was sent home with our scans on CD (My doctor said do not dare leave without them giving it to you) and I didn’t even look at it!! If you know how much I torture myself with researching and asking questions…you know how shocking that is. Two days later the nurse from our doctor’s office called. And just like a balloon when poked with a needle…hope deflated. She said the doctor got the results from the HSG test sent to him and my tubes weren’t blocked. That’s good news. But then it’s followed but this: “He thinks you have a Bicornuate Uterus and wants to hold off on shots and have you come in for a consult to discuss the results of your uterus.” Bircornuate Uterus. What is that???? I asked her to spell it and wrote it down. And you know what happened next. Google. With shaking hands I googled Bicornuate Uterus. I never knew this existed and 1% of women have it. 1%!!!! I always knew I had bad luck…but this is insane. What I found it is that a Bircornuate Uterus, referred to as a “heart shaped uterus”, is a type of malformation of the uterus where tow “horns” form at the upper part of the uterus and divided by a septum or a wall of tissue. This malformation results from the uterus not forming properly in a woman’s early prenatal development. It is a birth defect. Apparently, pregnancies in a BU are considered high risk and require extensive monitoring because of association with poor reproduction potential. It gets worse. A BU is associated with the following outcomes/problems:
* Recurrent pregnancy losses. (This explains a lot).
* Preterm birth with a 15-25% rate of preterm delivery (usually 24 or 25 weeks of pregnancy).
* Malpresentation (breech birth or transverse presentation). 40-50% chance. Most cases will be delivered via C-Section as a result.
* Deformity- high risk for “deformities and disruptions’ and “Malformations” such as cleft palate and clubbed foot.
* IC (Incompetent Cervix) in which you need a cervical cerclage (a stitch placed in the cervix to stop premature dialation).
* Bedrest either from week 20-34 or the ENTIRE pregnancy.
* 60% chance of giving birth to a LIVE child.
That means a 40% chance of giving birth to a stillborn baby or miscarrying. Stillborn babies are very common with a BU…as well as miscarriage in your third trimester.
The odds aren’t good. I haven’t been ready to tell anyone the diagnosis…or talk about it much beyond my mom and husband. 40% chance you will not have a kid or have a miscarriage again is a hard blow. But 40% you could give birth to a dead child??!! I feel absolutely defeated, heartbroken and hurt. Confused. If I do get pregnant how much more heartache will this bring? To say I’m an emotional wreck is the understatement of the year. And to say that my husband is a SAINT for putting up with me is as well. He is scared to death that in addition to all of this what the risks/danger is for me. I have no clue. I was born with a birth defect. A heart shaped uterus. I have no idea where we will go from here. I always have people asking me to keep them updated and what’s the latest so here it is. I do ask one thing, please…I know you don’t know what to say…I understand. But please refrain from the cliché responses…”Good things come to those who wait”…””It must not be His will”…”He has better things for you”…”Just relax…it will happen”…”He must want to bring you a family a different way”…”God is in control” And before it is mentioned…I AM thankful beyond words for Madison and never for one second do not see that God blessed us with her and we ARE enjoying her! I’m not at a point to where these type responses do not make we want to throw something!! It’s okay to not know what to say. I do appreciate all of the support, encouragement and prayers. More than you will ever know.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New Year!!
I always say I am not going to make New Years Resoultions...mainly because I know I won't stick to them...but as usual I am making them anyway. With that said, my New Years Resolutions are as follows:
1) Be more diligent in reading/memrorizing the Word and praying WITH Ronnie and Madison.
2) Be a more organized person....this may be the biggest challenge on the list!!! I am NOT an organized person. At all. My husband can verify this. Never open a drawer in my bedroom as it is full of receipts, paid bills to be filed, etc. I started on this today by deep cleaning. Pantry, microwave and kitchen island have all been cleaned and organized on top of the typical mound of daily laundry. Christmas put away all but the tree. This week I need to clean out the closet in my bedroom and nightstands and shampoo the carpets. Next week the shed!!
3) Be more active and healthy!! One thing I am doing is buying all whole grains. I actually don't mind whole grain except for one thing...BROWN RICE. I despise it! We love fruits, veggies and fish in our house anyway. The problem is my sweet tooth. Be in prayer please.
4) Be more thrifty...I actually love making my own laundry soap so that's a start. I am going to try to start taking Madison's pictures myself all except for one session. Most likely Christmas or her Birthday. My cousin bought me a sewing machine for Christmas so I intend on learning how to make Madison some dresses and pj pants for her and I. Hopefully, if I am not too terrible at it, I want to make her a new bedding set and curtains. Be in prayer for that too. Lol
5) Same resolution as last year that I did NOT do...BLOG MORE! I am computer illiterate is one of the setbacks for me in that area. I can post a blog post. That about covers it. Ha. I want to figure out how to post certain posts in the correct categories. This year I hope to cover: DIY projects, Wordless Wednesdays, Homeschool, Foster Care/Infertility, and Recipes.
That's it. And by far more than enough. 8)
Here is a recap of 2012 for the Brauer's:
We had 5 foster kids. Only one stayed permanently.
We had the Princess for 20 months and she went home permanently with bio mom in July.
We are still struggling majorly with losing her.
Madison's adoption was finalized on May 16th.
Ronnie began boat training at his job.
Madison turned 4.
The Princess turned 5.
We vacationed in TX and Branson!
My brother got married and our girls were the flower girls. 8)
My Grandpa went to be with the Lord.
We renewed our foster care license.
Madison learned to write her letters and name and spell her family's names.
Madison can now count to 30, to 5 in Spanish, recognizes all numbers and colors and the basic shapes. She can identify rhyming words. Her vocabulary is quite extensive.
She learned to ride a big girl bike.
The Princess lost her 1st tooth.
Madison has a wiggly tooth that is almost ready to come out.
We decided to go back to the fertility doctor. (Separate blog post coming.)
Ronnie and I celebrated 5 years of marriage.
We had a baby come to us at 5 months old and stayed with us until 8 months old. We MISS her!
All in all it was a hard year full of heartbreak. Losing the Princess was the hardest thing we have ever had to go through. We are still at a loss and not sure how to move on. Maybe one day I can go through a day without crying over her. Maybe. Maybe one day Madison will not beg Jesus to bring her back and ask why we can't go get her. Until then, we are missing her. Hoping 2013 is less heartache and more joy. Our hope and prayer is that it brings more debt payed off and a sibling for Madison. She prays for one everyday. I hope your 2013 brings you and yours much blessing as well! Regardless of what happens, God is still on the throne.
Because of Him,
Stephanie
1) Be more diligent in reading/memrorizing the Word and praying WITH Ronnie and Madison.
2) Be a more organized person....this may be the biggest challenge on the list!!! I am NOT an organized person. At all. My husband can verify this. Never open a drawer in my bedroom as it is full of receipts, paid bills to be filed, etc. I started on this today by deep cleaning. Pantry, microwave and kitchen island have all been cleaned and organized on top of the typical mound of daily laundry. Christmas put away all but the tree. This week I need to clean out the closet in my bedroom and nightstands and shampoo the carpets. Next week the shed!!
3) Be more active and healthy!! One thing I am doing is buying all whole grains. I actually don't mind whole grain except for one thing...BROWN RICE. I despise it! We love fruits, veggies and fish in our house anyway. The problem is my sweet tooth. Be in prayer please.
4) Be more thrifty...I actually love making my own laundry soap so that's a start. I am going to try to start taking Madison's pictures myself all except for one session. Most likely Christmas or her Birthday. My cousin bought me a sewing machine for Christmas so I intend on learning how to make Madison some dresses and pj pants for her and I. Hopefully, if I am not too terrible at it, I want to make her a new bedding set and curtains. Be in prayer for that too. Lol
5) Same resolution as last year that I did NOT do...BLOG MORE! I am computer illiterate is one of the setbacks for me in that area. I can post a blog post. That about covers it. Ha. I want to figure out how to post certain posts in the correct categories. This year I hope to cover: DIY projects, Wordless Wednesdays, Homeschool, Foster Care/Infertility, and Recipes.
That's it. And by far more than enough. 8)
Here is a recap of 2012 for the Brauer's:
We had 5 foster kids. Only one stayed permanently.
We had the Princess for 20 months and she went home permanently with bio mom in July.
We are still struggling majorly with losing her.
Madison's adoption was finalized on May 16th.
Ronnie began boat training at his job.
Madison turned 4.
The Princess turned 5.
We vacationed in TX and Branson!
My brother got married and our girls were the flower girls. 8)
My Grandpa went to be with the Lord.
We renewed our foster care license.
Madison learned to write her letters and name and spell her family's names.
Madison can now count to 30, to 5 in Spanish, recognizes all numbers and colors and the basic shapes. She can identify rhyming words. Her vocabulary is quite extensive.
She learned to ride a big girl bike.
The Princess lost her 1st tooth.
Madison has a wiggly tooth that is almost ready to come out.
We decided to go back to the fertility doctor. (Separate blog post coming.)
Ronnie and I celebrated 5 years of marriage.
We had a baby come to us at 5 months old and stayed with us until 8 months old. We MISS her!
All in all it was a hard year full of heartbreak. Losing the Princess was the hardest thing we have ever had to go through. We are still at a loss and not sure how to move on. Maybe one day I can go through a day without crying over her. Maybe. Maybe one day Madison will not beg Jesus to bring her back and ask why we can't go get her. Until then, we are missing her. Hoping 2013 is less heartache and more joy. Our hope and prayer is that it brings more debt payed off and a sibling for Madison. She prays for one everyday. I hope your 2013 brings you and yours much blessing as well! Regardless of what happens, God is still on the throne.
Because of Him,
Stephanie
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
We started Homeschooling
our munchkin Monday. I was excited, yet anxious. She is very intelligent but quite the emotional child. She can get upset if she doesn't know the answer sometimes. I prayed it would go smoothly and jumped in holding my breath. She did WONDERFUL! I can't tell you how excited I am. And the best part is she loves it. Today was our 3rd day and so far she counts to 30, spells her name, recognizes numbers 1-4, recognizes all of her letters and can tell me their sounds except C, E, J, L, P, U, V, and Y, knows all of her colors, knows all of her shapes but sometimes forgets rectangle, can write her name, recognizes when words rhyme, and knows the first three days of Creation. 8))) She is working on her memory verse for this week which is, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. " Genesis 1:1. She is having so much fun and I LOVE watching her learn more everyday. When we are done she wants to keep going. Next week we are going to start adding in science experiments and more educational art. Tonight (yeah, we did school after supper and her bath tonight) when she counted to 30 I praised her for doing such a good job. She pointed to the number chart and wanted to do it. I asked her what she wanted to do. Her reply? "I want to count the total." She then proceeded to count all of the numbers from top to bottom in order. I am a proud Mama to say the least.
Moving on, I decided that we would add in Science next week and do lots of science experiments/observations as our "curriculum". We have an outdoor toy box that does not have a lid...soooo it filled up with water from this monsoon season we have been having. With the rain came little tadpoles...tons of them...in our toy box. First science experiment? The life cycle of a frog. I researched on the computer and asked on Facebook and learned from both sources that in captivity a tadpole can survive on boiled lettuce (becomes it has the same texture as algae to them) and/or fish feed. We are going to catch a tadpole and bring him in the house...feed him goldfish feed and watch him grow into a frog. Madison is so excited. Uncle Wes drew us a picture of the frog in each stage of it's life to make a poster so we can identify each stage as it occurs. Anyone want to take a guess as to what we named our tadpole??!! Kermit!
We do puzzles, read TONS of books, count everything we see, watch educational movies like Leap Frog movies, etc. for extra learning. I will post the videos she loves tomorrow. Madison's aunt is a teacher so her gifts for Christmas and her birthday are usually fun but educational as well. These videos are one of those gifts. Thanks Aunt Jennifer!
I would also like to add that one of the many reasons we love homeschool so far is that there is no need to freak out when we are doing school at 6:30 and one of us is in our pajamas. As long as it gets done, when doesn't matter. I love that. We prefer to do our art and science experiments in the day and our "bookwork" at night. So far. 8)
Thanks for listening to me ramble on about how proud I am of my daughter's progress! I am hoping to start blogging about our homeschool days (experiments, cooking projects, crafts, etc.). Have a good night and be blessed!
Stephanie
Moving on, I decided that we would add in Science next week and do lots of science experiments/observations as our "curriculum". We have an outdoor toy box that does not have a lid...soooo it filled up with water from this monsoon season we have been having. With the rain came little tadpoles...tons of them...in our toy box. First science experiment? The life cycle of a frog. I researched on the computer and asked on Facebook and learned from both sources that in captivity a tadpole can survive on boiled lettuce (becomes it has the same texture as algae to them) and/or fish feed. We are going to catch a tadpole and bring him in the house...feed him goldfish feed and watch him grow into a frog. Madison is so excited. Uncle Wes drew us a picture of the frog in each stage of it's life to make a poster so we can identify each stage as it occurs. Anyone want to take a guess as to what we named our tadpole??!! Kermit!
We do puzzles, read TONS of books, count everything we see, watch educational movies like Leap Frog movies, etc. for extra learning. I will post the videos she loves tomorrow. Madison's aunt is a teacher so her gifts for Christmas and her birthday are usually fun but educational as well. These videos are one of those gifts. Thanks Aunt Jennifer!
I would also like to add that one of the many reasons we love homeschool so far is that there is no need to freak out when we are doing school at 6:30 and one of us is in our pajamas. As long as it gets done, when doesn't matter. I love that. We prefer to do our art and science experiments in the day and our "bookwork" at night. So far. 8)
Thanks for listening to me ramble on about how proud I am of my daughter's progress! I am hoping to start blogging about our homeschool days (experiments, cooking projects, crafts, etc.). Have a good night and be blessed!
Stephanie
Monday, July 30, 2012
Time Standing Still
Dear Princess,
It’s been 6 days!!!!!! I miss you and it’s killing me. I want you back. I want you home. I can’t stand this!!!!!! Are you sad? Are you okay? Are you getting hugged and kissed and cuddled? Are you scared? It feels like an eternity since I held you and I HATE this!! I want my baby back. I hate seeing your empty bed every morning and realizing you really are gone. I was in Walmart and heard you call my name. I swear it! I turned around and didn't see you...the kid calling her mom sounded just like you. I run to the phone everytime it rings in case it's your bio mom or DHS or anything pertaining to you. I pray all day for you. Madison said today that she “really misses ‘the Princess’ and so does the ‘baby’!” She is so LONELY and looks so sad sometimes. I talked about her birthday party with her for next year…she picked a luau and said, “Maybe ‘the Princess’ can come to it Mama?” I didn’t even know what to say to her. I just miss you. I love you Princess.
Love,
Mama
It’s been 6 days!!!!!! I miss you and it’s killing me. I want you back. I want you home. I can’t stand this!!!!!! Are you sad? Are you okay? Are you getting hugged and kissed and cuddled? Are you scared? It feels like an eternity since I held you and I HATE this!! I want my baby back. I hate seeing your empty bed every morning and realizing you really are gone. I was in Walmart and heard you call my name. I swear it! I turned around and didn't see you...the kid calling her mom sounded just like you. I run to the phone everytime it rings in case it's your bio mom or DHS or anything pertaining to you. I pray all day for you. Madison said today that she “really misses ‘the Princess’ and so does the ‘baby’!” She is so LONELY and looks so sad sometimes. I talked about her birthday party with her for next year…she picked a luau and said, “Maybe ‘the Princess’ can come to it Mama?” I didn’t even know what to say to her. I just miss you. I love you Princess.
Love,
Mama
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I Will Carry You
Dear Princess,
Just those words makes me cry my eyes out. I feel like my heart has been ripped apart…I miss you so much. How is it possible that it’s been 3 days without you when it feels like weeks already? I MISS YOU!!!! I miss everything you brought to our lives. I miss your laugh and the way it shows off your adorable dimple, I miss you coming to my bed and saying, “Good morning Mama! The sun came up! It’s time to get up! Come on!!” You have such a zest for life..I hope that never changes. I miss telling you “I love you big!” and hearing you respond, “I love you yittle, Mama!” It always made me laugh. You always made me laugh. I miss the huge smile on your face when I told you what a Princess you are…you believed it. And why shouldn’t you? You truly are. I miss holding you when you wake up in the morning because you are NOT a morning person…and neither am I. I miss laying in your bed with you and you whispering “secrets” in my ear. I miss tucking you in at night “snug as a bug in a rug”. You ALWAYS said, “Snug as a bug, Mama?”. 8] I miss your kisses…you were so free with hugs and kisses. A picture person you are not but you obliged me millions of times…even though sometimes it took a bribe with chocolate. I miss hearing you say, “Awww, Daddy!” like a 15 year old when he would tease you. I miss seeing you run screaming and giggling when Daddy chased you and Maddie all over the house being a monster. I miss walking in your room and seeing you and Maddie on her bed reading books to each other. I miss seeing you twirl each other all over the living room. I miss hearing you say, “Do you need a yittle help, Mama?” when I was doing something and you really wanted to help. I miss hearing you scream, “I’m coming baby!!!” when the baby would cry as you ran in the room to make her laugh again…anytime she cried you would tell me, “Mama, the baby needs you.” You are such a great big sister!! I miss baking with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss how incredibly FUNNY you are!! If you were here, there would be laughter again. Ironic that you brought laughter back in to our home when you came to us that night in January and then you left and took it with you again. Madison is lost without her big sister…she won’t admit it but she is. She just walks around her room and the house looking around like she can’t figure out what to do. She misses you. I miss singing. “You are My Sunshine” to you. I miss laughing hysterically when your diva sister, Madison, sings song after song after song and you have had enough and say, “That’s enough singing, Madison!!”. I miss when I would tease and tell you Daddy was so bad because he was picking on one of you and you would always say, “Daddy NOT bad, he GOOD!” You are the most loyal…brutally loyal…person I have ever met…at 5!!! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was tell you goodbye and walk away. There was so much I wanted to tell you…but there wasn’t the time or the words. I wonder how you are doing. Are you mad at me and Daddy? Do you think we left you? Do you understand that I would have ran to Antarctica with you if I knew I would have gotten away with it?? Do you know that I can’t even think about you without losing it? I have
no idea how I am ever going to get through this. Life without you isn’t the same, baby. I know that you love us, but I hope that are not having this hard of a time as I am. I hope your days are filled with laughter, hugs, sunshine, hope, love and everything that makes you giggle. I pray for you all day, every day. I pray that you understand what is happening. I hope that you remember all of the things that you learned about Jesus. The night before you left Granda asked you what Jesus said and you replied, “He never leave us.” She asked you where He wrote your name and you said, “On my hand!" and opened your hand to her. She wrote your name on your hand and Madison’s on hers. You were upset about taking a bath before bed because you didn’t want it to come off. I had to promise you both that I would write it back on after your bath. People think you aren’t listening most of the time but they don’t know you like I do. I know you absorb every single thing around you and that you are the extremely detailed. You don’t miss anything. I wish we could rewind time back to Monday when we laid in your bed and watched movies together. Everytime you got up you would say, “Don’t move Mama! I be right back!!”. I pray that your first day of Kindergarten will be wonderful and that your teacher will be an amazing Christian woman who sees you like I do and what an amazing, smart, sweet, funny, curious, silly, wonderful little girl you are. I hope she nurtures you, looks out for you, shows you compassion, hugs you, and goes the extra mile to be kind to you. I hope you make a lot of new friends. I wish I could be there to see your first day of “big school” baby. You are so excited!! I worry that you won’t have a lunch packed…you won’t eat anything they serve in the cafeteria unless it is spaghetti. 8[ I know the things you will eat and what you won’t. I know that you don’t have a behavior problem…that you try so hard to express your feelings and get so frustrated when you can’t. I hope they see that at school. I know that you have trust issues, anxiety issues…and what terrifies you. Will they humiliate you for these things? Belittle you and not comfort you? These thoughts terrify me!! I know how to make you feel safe and know that you are okay with me. I have no idea if you are okay, happy, scared, anxious. And if you are, I can’t get to you to fix it for you!! I’m so worried about you. I know I that God is watching over you and that He loves you more than I do (which is hard for me to comprehend) and that as a child, you have your own angel watching over you. Still, I worry. You sat up in your bed the morning of court screaming. I ran to your room and picked you up and asked you what was wrong. You said, “I’m scared Mama.” I held you but I was terrified to. I know you wanted to stay with us. I meant it when I told you that you will ALWAYS be my daughter and my princess and that you can ALWAYS come back home to us. This will ALWAYS be your home. I was packing a few of your things that night and I asked Daddy about one of the items…if I should pack it or not. He said, “No, she will need that when she comes home.” And then I realized…we are all still thinking this time will be like last time. That you will come back eventually. But still it’s terrible. How will it be when we have to come to terms with the fact that we will never see you again? I can’t even wrap my mind around that…I can’t convince myself that this is it. I don’t want to. It has to end differently than this. You are my daughter. And you aren’t home. When kids are kidnapped you do everything in your power to find them. When your kid gets taken from you…you fight to get them back. When your kid runs away you go to every place you can think of to bring them back home. My daughter is gone and there is NOTHING I can do about it. Nothing. How is that possible? I fought for you. I fought for you with everything in me, but it just wasn’t good enough. I hope you know that I never gave up on you. I am still not giving up!! Not yet. Everyone things I am strong and brave. But I'm not. YOU are the brave one. You have had to be since you were a toddler. It shouldn't be that way. I miss you so much sweet girl…my heart is broken and I just wish I could hold you. I wish I could fix this for you. I love you BIG and you will always be MY little girl. I have listened to this song over and over since you left…it’s exactly how I feel…
“There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says….
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I Will Carry You~Selah
Until you come home,
Mama
Just those words makes me cry my eyes out. I feel like my heart has been ripped apart…I miss you so much. How is it possible that it’s been 3 days without you when it feels like weeks already? I MISS YOU!!!! I miss everything you brought to our lives. I miss your laugh and the way it shows off your adorable dimple, I miss you coming to my bed and saying, “Good morning Mama! The sun came up! It’s time to get up! Come on!!” You have such a zest for life..I hope that never changes. I miss telling you “I love you big!” and hearing you respond, “I love you yittle, Mama!” It always made me laugh. You always made me laugh. I miss the huge smile on your face when I told you what a Princess you are…you believed it. And why shouldn’t you? You truly are. I miss holding you when you wake up in the morning because you are NOT a morning person…and neither am I. I miss laying in your bed with you and you whispering “secrets” in my ear. I miss tucking you in at night “snug as a bug in a rug”. You ALWAYS said, “Snug as a bug, Mama?”. 8] I miss your kisses…you were so free with hugs and kisses. A picture person you are not but you obliged me millions of times…even though sometimes it took a bribe with chocolate. I miss hearing you say, “Awww, Daddy!” like a 15 year old when he would tease you. I miss seeing you run screaming and giggling when Daddy chased you and Maddie all over the house being a monster. I miss walking in your room and seeing you and Maddie on her bed reading books to each other. I miss seeing you twirl each other all over the living room. I miss hearing you say, “Do you need a yittle help, Mama?” when I was doing something and you really wanted to help. I miss hearing you scream, “I’m coming baby!!!” when the baby would cry as you ran in the room to make her laugh again…anytime she cried you would tell me, “Mama, the baby needs you.” You are such a great big sister!! I miss baking with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss how incredibly FUNNY you are!! If you were here, there would be laughter again. Ironic that you brought laughter back in to our home when you came to us that night in January and then you left and took it with you again. Madison is lost without her big sister…she won’t admit it but she is. She just walks around her room and the house looking around like she can’t figure out what to do. She misses you. I miss singing. “You are My Sunshine” to you. I miss laughing hysterically when your diva sister, Madison, sings song after song after song and you have had enough and say, “That’s enough singing, Madison!!”. I miss when I would tease and tell you Daddy was so bad because he was picking on one of you and you would always say, “Daddy NOT bad, he GOOD!” You are the most loyal…brutally loyal…person I have ever met…at 5!!! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was tell you goodbye and walk away. There was so much I wanted to tell you…but there wasn’t the time or the words. I wonder how you are doing. Are you mad at me and Daddy? Do you think we left you? Do you understand that I would have ran to Antarctica with you if I knew I would have gotten away with it?? Do you know that I can’t even think about you without losing it? I have
no idea how I am ever going to get through this. Life without you isn’t the same, baby. I know that you love us, but I hope that are not having this hard of a time as I am. I hope your days are filled with laughter, hugs, sunshine, hope, love and everything that makes you giggle. I pray for you all day, every day. I pray that you understand what is happening. I hope that you remember all of the things that you learned about Jesus. The night before you left Granda asked you what Jesus said and you replied, “He never leave us.” She asked you where He wrote your name and you said, “On my hand!" and opened your hand to her. She wrote your name on your hand and Madison’s on hers. You were upset about taking a bath before bed because you didn’t want it to come off. I had to promise you both that I would write it back on after your bath. People think you aren’t listening most of the time but they don’t know you like I do. I know you absorb every single thing around you and that you are the extremely detailed. You don’t miss anything. I wish we could rewind time back to Monday when we laid in your bed and watched movies together. Everytime you got up you would say, “Don’t move Mama! I be right back!!”. I pray that your first day of Kindergarten will be wonderful and that your teacher will be an amazing Christian woman who sees you like I do and what an amazing, smart, sweet, funny, curious, silly, wonderful little girl you are. I hope she nurtures you, looks out for you, shows you compassion, hugs you, and goes the extra mile to be kind to you. I hope you make a lot of new friends. I wish I could be there to see your first day of “big school” baby. You are so excited!! I worry that you won’t have a lunch packed…you won’t eat anything they serve in the cafeteria unless it is spaghetti. 8[ I know the things you will eat and what you won’t. I know that you don’t have a behavior problem…that you try so hard to express your feelings and get so frustrated when you can’t. I hope they see that at school. I know that you have trust issues, anxiety issues…and what terrifies you. Will they humiliate you for these things? Belittle you and not comfort you? These thoughts terrify me!! I know how to make you feel safe and know that you are okay with me. I have no idea if you are okay, happy, scared, anxious. And if you are, I can’t get to you to fix it for you!! I’m so worried about you. I know I that God is watching over you and that He loves you more than I do (which is hard for me to comprehend) and that as a child, you have your own angel watching over you. Still, I worry. You sat up in your bed the morning of court screaming. I ran to your room and picked you up and asked you what was wrong. You said, “I’m scared Mama.” I held you but I was terrified to. I know you wanted to stay with us. I meant it when I told you that you will ALWAYS be my daughter and my princess and that you can ALWAYS come back home to us. This will ALWAYS be your home. I was packing a few of your things that night and I asked Daddy about one of the items…if I should pack it or not. He said, “No, she will need that when she comes home.” And then I realized…we are all still thinking this time will be like last time. That you will come back eventually. But still it’s terrible. How will it be when we have to come to terms with the fact that we will never see you again? I can’t even wrap my mind around that…I can’t convince myself that this is it. I don’t want to. It has to end differently than this. You are my daughter. And you aren’t home. When kids are kidnapped you do everything in your power to find them. When your kid gets taken from you…you fight to get them back. When your kid runs away you go to every place you can think of to bring them back home. My daughter is gone and there is NOTHING I can do about it. Nothing. How is that possible? I fought for you. I fought for you with everything in me, but it just wasn’t good enough. I hope you know that I never gave up on you. I am still not giving up!! Not yet. Everyone things I am strong and brave. But I'm not. YOU are the brave one. You have had to be since you were a toddler. It shouldn't be that way. I miss you so much sweet girl…my heart is broken and I just wish I could hold you. I wish I could fix this for you. I love you BIG and you will always be MY little girl. I have listened to this song over and over since you left…it’s exactly how I feel…
“There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says….
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I Will Carry You~Selah
Until you come home,
Mama
Friday, July 6, 2012
Dear Princess,
I am not thrilled with how fast the days are flying by when you are home, yet dragging when you are gone. If I knew how to pause time I would. It’s hard keeping a smile on my face all day when I can’t stop thinking about how little time I have left with you. I wish I could run with you…hide out and come back when you were 18. I am terrified of what you are going to think about us when you go home. I know your mom is angry at us and may tell you that the reason you don’t see us anymore is because we didn’t want to, or because we tried to keep you from her. That’s the thought that haunts me all day long, every day. I can’t get over it. I will never forget your face the day the judge ruled you be returned to your bio mom in March of 2011 you were crushed. I put you in your bio mom’s car and kissed you bye and told you I loved you…I was so worried I would be hurt because you would be excited to go. Instead you pushed my face away and stared straight ahead. You wouldn’t say a word. You were so angry with us and hurt. I knew you thought we were giving you away. When the judge ruled you were to start staying with your mom 3 days a week in May of this year to transition you back home, you were again upset. When I explained to you what was going on you cried and held on to me. When your bio mom tried to pick you up, you held our your arms to me and cried and said, “I have to go with her. Please. I have to go with her.” I cried all of the way home. The look in your eyes…being helpless to fix it for you. I can’t bear it. And here it is, 10 days away from doing it again. Yet, this time it’s the last time. The last time I will ever comfort you, try to relieve your fears. The last time I will hold you and tell you I love you. I don’t know HOW to let you go. How do you learn to let your daughter go and tell her goodbye forever? To the world, I am nuts because we don’t share DNA…therefore you aren’t mine and I should just move on. DNA doesn’t make a family…you are my DAUGHTER and I can’t wrap my head around telling you bye. You think Canada is a safe place for us to hide???? 10 days is flying by and NOT ENOUGH…there are a MILLION things I will miss. But, the 10 things I have been thinking most about are
1) Your first day of Kindergarten…I wanted to meet your teacher, take you to your room the first day, pick you up and hear all about your first day. I am praying you get a teacher who loves Jesus too and will look out for my sweet girl…who will be kind to you and try to understand you instead of just writing you off as a discipline problem or a silly girl. You are a gorgeous, sweet, intelligent, curious, incredible little girl and I pray she sees that just as I do. I have no doubt you will be an incredible doctor just as you plan.
2) The holidays!!!!! Trick or treating, doing crafts, bonfires, parties, Christmas morning…it won’t be the same without you baby. I hope your holidays are magical and that our Christmas gifts manage to get to you.
3) Hearing you read your first book when you learn to read. I was looking forward to letting you climb in my lap and read books to me and see the proud look on your face.
4) Your first crush on a boy…your first school dance…prom night…being there to guide you and answer your questions and teach you about purity and integrity.
5) Your high school graduation…seeing you walk across the stage with your cap and gown to get the diploma and make everyone eat their words!! You can do anything you want to do and don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise! Should I get an invitation…I would be the loudest one there and so proud of you!
6) Your first day of college…even though saying goodbye would be terrifying for me, I would be so proud and honored to watch you pursue your dreams and achieve them.
7) Watching you graduate college and get your first job in whatever career you choose. Right now you want to be a doctor..it will probably change 20 times by then…I don’t care as long as I it’s what you want to do and honorable.
8) When you meet the boy you want to marry and watching the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle and make some man the luckiest man in the world. Marry a man who loves the Lord and treats you as wonderful as you deserve. Marry a man who when you are older and the “romance” isn’t what it used to be what you have is your best friend sitting beside you growing old with you.
9) Holding your babies and watching you be the incredible mother that I know you will be. Know that you don’t have to follow in the footsteps of your bio mother…your childhood and the example of a mother that you had does NOT define the woman/mother you will be.
10) Watching you grow into a beautiful preteen/teenager/woman who serves the Lord, loves Him and seeks to honor Him in everything she does.
I may not be there for the journey and these milestones but I am praying for you each step of the way. Remember that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent and your circumstances, past and mistakes along the way do not define you as a person. Never give up on what you want. And please know that your home is always here with us and you can come back any time you want. We will always love you and we will always take you…no matter if you are 6, 15, 25 or 80. I love you to the moon and back sweet girl. Goodnight…sweet dreams. Tomorrow maybe we will see what property is going for in Canada.
Love,
Mama
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Dear Princess,
Today you came back from your three day stay with your bio mom. Daddy, Madison and I couldn’t wait to go pick you up. I looked in your bag to see if the “olive branch” I sent out came back with a good report. No such luck. That means that you have 11 days left with us before you leave us forever. You were so loving and sweet tonight. You sat at the kitchen table and told Daddy, “Daddy, I love you. I really missed you.“ You have no idea what that did to our hearts. Madison laughed at you for being silly during dinner and she told you that you were so silly and you laughed and said, “I know.“ I love my silly girl…you brought laughter back in to my life just by walking through my front door that night almost two years ago. I gave you a bath and when I was getting you in the tub you said, “Mama, Madison had a dream about Daddy last night. I had a dream too.“ I asked what you dreamed about and you said, “You!!!“ and hugged me tight. You have no idea how much my heart is breaking..I guess I’m glad you don’t. You have had such sadness in your life..I don’t want to be someone who adds more. There is a lot of things that I want to say to you that I wish you were old enough to understand. Maybe you understand more than I know. If you can’t grasp anything else please take hold of two things: Jesus loves you more than anyone ever will…He will be with you even when Mama and Daddy can’t be…He loves you and will never leave you or forget you…remember, He has engraved your name on the palm of His hand. The second thing is this: Mama and Daddy love you with ever bit of our heart…and a piece of our liver too. You are our daughter forever, even if you don’t live with us. You will always be my Sunshine, my baby, my Pepper, Little Bit, my Princess and my sweet girl for as long as I live. I may not be able to see you ever again but I will never go one day without thinking of you a million times and praying for you with every thing I am. Mama loves you baby….you changed my life. You walked in to my front door with your big brown eyes and curls and smiled your beautiful smile and it was love at first sight. I will never forget one second of that night. We played with baby dolls and painted each other’s nails. You sat in my lap for a few hours watching Lady and The Tramp and I was nervous if you would sleep or cry all night. I put you down in your bed and you smiled at me and went to sleep. The next day you called me “Mama” and melted my heart. I know your life is fixing to get so confusing, sad, scary and uncertain and I want you to know you will have Jesus and all of his angels surrounding you every second of it. Never doubt that. I hope you never think for a second that we gave you away, gave up on you or didn’t want you. That would break my heart even more. Please keep laughing, smiling and being the sweet girl that you are. The girl that I love more than life itself. 11 days isn’t enough time…but I am grateful for even that. I love you and a MILLION things about you…but here are 11 of those things:
1) I love the way you take my face with both of your tiny hands and give me kisses. It melts my heart every time.
2) I love when you ask me to please sleep in the room with you at night.
3) I love that laugh that is contagious and makes everyone laugh with you…and your dimples when you smile. You make me laugh all day long at the silly things you say and do.
4) I love the way you tuck Madison in every night at bedtime and tell her goodnight and kiss her forehead. Sometimes she acts annoyed by it, but she adores it.
5) I love how fiercely loyal you are to those you love even at 5! You are so protective of your sisters. I feel the same way about you.
6) I love the way you come alive when you are anywhere near the water and could stay all day until dark if we let you…and then ask for an hour long bubble bath. Our little Mermaid.
7.) I love the way you are never in a hurry…you have to stop and smell flowers, look at birds, scope out an ant bed. The world is one big playground to you and you always have time to enjoy it.
8.) I love when you beg me to let you bake with me in the kitchen. I love sharing this time with you. I swear you are going to be a chef one day, even though you insist you are going to be a doctor. Either way, I will be so proud of you.
9.) I love how attentive you are to the baby and what an AMAZING big sister you are. Every time the baby cries, you run into the room screaming, “I’m coming baby!!” and go make her laugh again. You are going to be such a good Mommy one day.
10.) I selfishly love the way that I am the one person that can always make you feel at ease and safe instantly.
11.) I love the funny way you say things because you don’t yet have the words to say them correctly. I secretly hate when you figure them out and correct yourself.
11 of the million things I love about you…goodnight baby!
Love,
Mama
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