A Heart Shaped What??

One thing the Princess being taken from us has done is caused us to giving fertility treatment another shot. Because maybe…just maybe…it would bring less heartache. (While still continuing to foster). Last time we went we learned that Ronnie and I were both okay but they were concerned I wasn’t ovulating on my own. (Even though the OPK’s said I was when I tested each month). So, we went back In early December and because I am 29 now our doctor suggested we “skip the Clomid we took last time and bring out the big guns.” I suddenly felt like I was turning 50 soon instead of 30. 8( He suggested we do two tests and then start on HSG shots if test results were optimal. One of these tests was a Hysterosalpinogram (HSG test). This test is simply getting a picture of the uterus and fallopian tubes. The test is performed in a radiology suite and a speculum is inserted into your lady business and a small catheter is introduced through the cervix and into the uterus. X-Ray dye is then pushed through the catheter to fill the uterus and tubes. The resulting image shows the inside of the uterus (not the walls) and whether the tubes are open. It’s a good screening test for uterine malformations. It’s limited in that it doesn’t show the walls of the uterus or the ovaries directly. It’s essentially a shadow of the womans anatomy and there are times when these shadow can be incomplete. In these cases, other tests such as a Sonohysterography (SIS Test). My doctor ordered a HSG test to begin and it was scheduled for December 20...my anniversary. I started to reschedule because I couldn’t help myself and googled the test. I shouldn’t have. I knew better. But I had to find out everything I could on this test and other people’s experiences and…wow! The horror stories!!! I was scared out of my mind when the day came. Terrified. People said it was the worst ten minutes of their life…worse than childbirth…and on and on. To make a long story short I took the doctor and internets advice and took Midol 1 hour before for the cramps the test causes. I have these two nurses holding my hands with a death grip and looking at me with pity like I was on my death bed. Not a good way to calm you down and make you believe, “It’s really not that bad.” I thought it was a breeze until the dye went in. It wasn’t horrific but burned some and caused pretty bad cramps. But I’ve had worse cramps (miscarriage) and worse pain (two surgeries). The dye went right through the right tube and was a little slower going through the right tube but eventually went through. The neat thing is that there is a monitor to the right of your head suspended from the ceiling that allows you to watch the dye entering your uterus and fallopian tubes while it happens. After it was all over the cramps were gone and I was so hopeful!!! During it all one nurse leaned down and told me something that I had read on the internet and was secretly hoping was true…”You know, most women get pregnant after this test because it cleans out your tubes. You chances increase by 30% for the next 3 months.” So yes, hopeful. I think I smiled for the rest of the day. The fact that it was my 5 year anniversary to an amazing man contributed big time as well. I could NEVER have made it through most of what I have without his support and putting up with me when I am less than loveable. I was so hopeful in fact that I was sent home with our scans on CD (My doctor said do not dare leave without them giving it to you) and I didn’t even look at it!! If you know how much I torture myself with researching and asking questions…you know how shocking that is. Two days later the nurse from our doctor’s office called. And just like a balloon when poked with a needle…hope deflated. She said the doctor got the results from the HSG test sent to him and my tubes weren’t blocked. That’s good news. But then it’s followed but this: “He thinks you have a Bicornuate Uterus and wants to hold off on shots and have you come in for a consult to discuss the results of your uterus.” Bircornuate Uterus. What is that???? I asked her to spell it and wrote it down. And you know what happened next. Google. With shaking hands I googled Bicornuate Uterus. I never knew this existed and 1% of women have it. 1%!!!! I always knew I had bad luck…but this is insane. What I found it is that a Bircornuate Uterus, referred to as a “heart shaped uterus”, is a type of malformation of the uterus where tow “horns” form at the upper part of the uterus and divided by a septum or a wall of tissue. This malformation results from the uterus not forming properly in a woman’s early prenatal development. It is a birth defect. Apparently, pregnancies in a BU are considered high risk and require extensive monitoring because of association with poor reproduction potential. It gets worse. A BU is associated with the following outcomes/problems:

* Recurrent pregnancy losses. (This explains a lot).

* Preterm birth with a 15-25% rate of preterm delivery (usually 24 or 25 weeks of pregnancy).

* Malpresentation (breech birth or transverse presentation). 40-50% chance. Most cases will be delivered via C-Section as a result.

* Deformity- high risk for “deformities and disruptions’ and “Malformations” such as cleft palate and clubbed foot.

* IC (Incompetent Cervix) in which you need a cervical cerclage (a stitch placed in the cervix to stop premature dialation).

* Bedrest either from week 20-34 or the ENTIRE pregnancy.

* 60% chance of giving birth to a LIVE child.

That means a 40% chance of giving birth to a stillborn baby or miscarrying. Stillborn babies are very common with a BU…as well as miscarriage in your third trimester.

The odds aren’t good. I haven’t been ready to tell anyone the diagnosis…or talk about it much beyond my mom and husband. 40% chance you will not have a kid or have a miscarriage again is a hard blow. But 40% you could give birth to a dead child??!! I feel absolutely defeated, heartbroken and hurt. Confused. If I do get pregnant how much more heartache will this bring? To say I’m an emotional wreck is the understatement of the year. And to say that my husband is a SAINT for putting up with me is as well. He is scared to death that in addition to all of this what the risks/danger is for me. I have no clue. I was born with a birth defect. A heart shaped uterus. I have no idea where we will go from here. I always have people asking me to keep them updated and what’s the latest so here it is. I do ask one thing, please…I know you don’t know what to say…I understand. But please refrain from the cliché responses…”Good things come to those who wait”…””It must not be His will”…”He has better things for you”…”Just relax…it will happen”…”He must want to bring you a family a different way”…”God is in control” And before it is mentioned…I AM thankful beyond words for Madison and never for one second do not see that God blessed us with her and we ARE enjoying her! I’m not at a point to where these type responses do not make we want to throw something!! It’s okay to not know what to say. I do appreciate all of the support, encouragement and prayers. More than you will ever know.

New Year!!

I always say I am not going to make New Years Resoultions...mainly because I know I won't stick to them...but as usual I am making them anyway. With that said, my New Years Resolutions are as follows:

1) Be more diligent in reading/memrorizing the Word and praying WITH Ronnie and Madison.

2) Be a more organized person....this may be the biggest challenge on the list!!! I am NOT an organized person. At all. My husband can verify this. Never open a drawer in my bedroom as it is full of receipts, paid bills to be filed, etc. I started on this today by deep cleaning. Pantry, microwave and kitchen island have all been cleaned and organized on top of the typical mound of daily laundry. Christmas put away all but the tree. This week I need to clean out the closet in my bedroom and nightstands and shampoo the carpets. Next week the shed!!

3) Be more active and healthy!! One thing I am doing is buying all whole grains. I actually don't mind whole grain except for one thing...BROWN RICE. I despise it! We love fruits, veggies and fish in our house anyway. The problem is my sweet tooth. Be in prayer please.

4) Be more thrifty...I actually love making my own laundry soap so that's a start. I am going to try to start taking Madison's pictures myself all except for one session. Most likely Christmas or her Birthday. My cousin bought me a sewing machine for Christmas so I intend on learning how to make Madison some dresses and pj pants for her and I. Hopefully, if I am not too terrible at it, I want to make her a new bedding set and curtains. Be in prayer for that too. Lol

5) Same resolution as last year that I did NOT do...BLOG MORE! I am computer illiterate is one of the setbacks for me in that area. I can post a blog post. That about covers it. Ha. I want to figure out how to post certain posts in the correct categories. This year I hope to cover: DIY projects, Wordless Wednesdays, Homeschool, Foster Care/Infertility, and Recipes.

That's it. And by far more than enough. 8)


Here is a recap of 2012 for the Brauer's:
We had 5 foster kids. Only one stayed permanently.
We had the Princess for 20 months and she went home permanently with bio mom in July.
We are still struggling majorly with losing her.
Madison's adoption was finalized on May 16th.
Ronnie began boat training at his job.
Madison turned 4.
The Princess turned 5.
We vacationed in TX and Branson!
My brother got married and our girls were the flower girls. 8)
My Grandpa went to be with the Lord.
We renewed our foster care license.
Madison learned to write her letters and name and spell her family's names.
Madison can now count to 30, to 5 in Spanish, recognizes all numbers and colors and the basic shapes. She can identify rhyming words. Her vocabulary is quite extensive.
She learned to ride a big girl bike.
The Princess lost her 1st tooth.
Madison has a wiggly tooth that is almost ready to come out.
We decided to go back to the fertility doctor. (Separate blog post coming.)
Ronnie and I celebrated 5 years of marriage.
We had a baby come to us at 5 months old and stayed with us until 8 months old. We MISS her!

All in all it was a hard year full of heartbreak. Losing the Princess was the hardest thing we have ever had to go through. We are still at a loss and not sure how to move on. Maybe one day I can go through a day without crying over her. Maybe. Maybe one day Madison will not beg Jesus to bring her back and ask why we can't go get her. Until then, we are missing her. Hoping 2013 is less heartache and more joy. Our hope and prayer is that it brings more debt payed off and a sibling for Madison. She prays for one everyday. I hope your 2013 brings you and yours much blessing as well! Regardless of what happens, God is still on the throne.
Because of Him,
Stephanie

We started Homeschooling

our munchkin Monday. I was excited, yet anxious. She is very intelligent but quite the emotional child. She can get upset if she doesn't know the answer sometimes. I prayed it would go smoothly and jumped in holding my breath. She did WONDERFUL! I can't tell you how excited I am. And the best part is she loves it. Today was our 3rd day and so far she counts to 30, spells her name, recognizes numbers 1-4, recognizes all of her letters and can tell me their sounds except C, E, J, L, P, U, V, and Y, knows all of her colors, knows all of her shapes but sometimes forgets rectangle, can write her name, recognizes when words rhyme, and knows the first three days of Creation. 8))) She is working on her memory verse for this week which is, "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. " Genesis 1:1. She is having so much fun and I LOVE watching her learn more everyday. When we are done she wants to keep going. Next week we are going to start adding in science experiments and more educational art. Tonight (yeah, we did school after supper and her bath tonight) when she counted to 30 I praised her for doing such a good job. She pointed to the number chart and wanted to do it. I asked her what she wanted to do. Her reply? "I want to count the total." She then proceeded to count all of the numbers from top to bottom in order. I am a proud Mama to say the least.
Moving on, I decided that we would add in Science next week and do lots of science experiments/observations as our "curriculum".  We have an outdoor toy box that does not have a lid...soooo it filled up with water from this monsoon season we have been having. With the rain came little tadpoles...tons of them...in our toy box. First science experiment? The life cycle of a frog. I researched on the computer and asked on Facebook and learned from both sources that in captivity a tadpole can survive on boiled lettuce (becomes it has the same texture as algae to them) and/or fish feed. We are going to catch a tadpole and bring him in the house...feed him goldfish feed and watch him grow into a frog. Madison is so excited. Uncle Wes drew us a picture of the frog in each stage of it's life to make a poster so we can identify each stage as it occurs. Anyone want to take a guess as to what we named our tadpole??!! Kermit!
We do puzzles, read TONS of books, count everything we see, watch educational movies like Leap Frog movies, etc. for extra learning. I will post the videos she loves tomorrow. Madison's aunt is a teacher so her gifts for Christmas and her birthday are usually fun but educational as well. These videos are one of those gifts. Thanks Aunt Jennifer!
I would also like to add that one of the many reasons we love homeschool so far is that there is no need to freak out when we are doing school at 6:30 and one of us is in our pajamas. As long as it gets done, when doesn't matter. I love that. We prefer to do our art and science experiments in the day and our "bookwork" at night. So far. 8)
Thanks for listening to me ramble on about how proud I am of my daughter's progress! I am hoping to start blogging about our homeschool days (experiments, cooking projects, crafts, etc.). Have a good night and be blessed!
Stephanie

Time Standing Still

Dear Princess,

It’s been 6 days!!!!!! I miss you and it’s killing me. I want you back. I want you home. I can’t stand this!!!!!! Are you sad? Are you okay? Are you getting hugged and kissed and cuddled? Are you scared? It feels like an eternity since I held you and I HATE this!! I want my baby back. I hate seeing your empty bed every morning and realizing you really are gone. I was in Walmart and heard you call my name. I swear it! I turned around and didn't see you...the kid calling her mom sounded just like you. I run to the phone everytime it rings in case it's your bio mom or DHS or anything pertaining to you. I pray all day for you. Madison said today that she “really misses ‘the Princess’ and so does the ‘baby’!” She is so LONELY and looks so sad sometimes. I talked about her birthday party with her for next year…she picked a luau and said, “Maybe ‘the Princess’ can come to it Mama?” I didn’t even know what to say to her. I just miss you. I love you Princess.

Love,

Mama

I Will Carry You

Dear Princess,

Just those words makes me cry my eyes out. I feel like my heart has been ripped apart…I miss you so much. How is it possible that it’s been 3 days without you when it feels like weeks already? I MISS YOU!!!! I miss everything you brought to our lives. I miss your laugh and the way it shows off your adorable dimple, I miss you coming to my bed and saying, “Good morning Mama! The sun came up! It’s time to get up! Come on!!” You have such a zest for life..I hope that never changes. I miss telling you “I love you big!” and hearing you respond, “I love you yittle, Mama!” It always made me laugh. You always made me laugh. I miss the huge smile on your face when I told you what a Princess you are…you believed it. And why shouldn’t you? You truly are. I miss holding you when you wake up in the morning because you are NOT a morning person…and neither am I. I miss laying in your bed with you and you whispering “secrets” in my ear. I miss tucking you in at night “snug as a bug in a rug”. You ALWAYS said, “Snug as a bug, Mama?”. 8] I miss your kisses…you were so free with hugs and kisses. A picture person you are not but you obliged me millions of times…even though sometimes it took a bribe with chocolate. I miss hearing you say, “Awww, Daddy!” like a 15 year old when he would tease you. I miss seeing you run screaming and giggling when Daddy chased you and Maddie all over the house being a monster. I miss walking in your room and seeing you and Maddie on her bed reading books to each other. I miss seeing you twirl each other all over the living room. I miss hearing you say, “Do you need a yittle help, Mama?” when I was doing something and you really wanted to help. I miss hearing you scream, “I’m coming baby!!!” when the baby would cry as you ran in the room to make her laugh again…anytime she cried you would tell me, “Mama, the baby needs you.” You are such a great big sister!! I miss baking with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss how incredibly FUNNY you are!! If you were here, there would be laughter again. Ironic that you brought laughter back in to our home when you came to us that night in January and then you left and took it with you again. Madison is lost without her big sister…she won’t admit it but she is. She just walks around her room and the house looking around like she can’t figure out what to do. She misses you. I miss singing. “You are My Sunshine” to you. I miss laughing hysterically when your diva sister, Madison, sings song after song after song and you have had enough and say, “That’s enough singing, Madison!!”. I miss when I would tease and tell you Daddy was so bad because he was picking on one of you and you would always say, “Daddy NOT bad, he GOOD!” You are the most loyal…brutally loyal…person I have ever met…at 5!!! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was tell you goodbye and walk away. There was so much I wanted to tell you…but there wasn’t the time or the words. I wonder how you are doing. Are you mad at me and Daddy? Do you think we left you? Do you understand that I would have ran to Antarctica with you if I knew I would have gotten away with it?? Do you know that I can’t even think about you without losing it? I have
no idea how I am ever going to get through this. Life without you isn’t the same, baby. I know that you love us, but I hope that are not having this hard of a time as I am. I hope your days are filled with laughter, hugs, sunshine, hope, love and everything that makes you giggle. I pray for you all day, every day. I pray that you understand what is happening. I hope that you remember all of the things that you learned about Jesus. The night before you left Granda asked you what Jesus said and you replied, “He never leave us.” She asked you where He wrote your name and you said, “On my hand!" and opened your hand to her. She wrote your name on your hand and Madison’s on hers. You were upset about taking a bath before bed because you didn’t want it to come off. I had to promise you both that I would write it back on after your bath. People think you aren’t listening most of the time but they don’t know you like I do. I know you absorb every single thing around you and that you are the extremely detailed. You don’t miss anything. I wish we could rewind time back to Monday when we laid in your bed and watched movies together. Everytime you got up you would say, “Don’t move Mama! I be right back!!”. I pray that your first day of Kindergarten will be wonderful and that your teacher will be an amazing Christian woman who sees you like I do and what an amazing, smart, sweet, funny, curious, silly, wonderful little girl you are. I hope she nurtures you, looks out for you, shows you compassion, hugs you, and goes the extra mile to be kind to you. I hope you make a lot of new friends. I wish I could be there to see your first day of “big school” baby. You are so excited!! I worry that you won’t have a lunch packed…you won’t eat anything they serve in the cafeteria unless it is spaghetti. 8[ I know the things you will eat and what you won’t. I know that you don’t have a behavior problem…that you try so hard to express your feelings and get so frustrated when you can’t. I hope they see that at school. I know that you have trust issues, anxiety issues…and what terrifies you. Will they humiliate you for these things? Belittle you and not comfort you? These thoughts terrify me!! I know how to make you feel safe and know that you are okay with me. I have no idea if you are okay, happy, scared, anxious. And if you are, I can’t get to you to fix it for you!! I’m so worried about you. I know I that God is watching over you and that He loves you more than I do (which is hard for me to comprehend) and that as a child, you have your own angel watching over you. Still, I worry. You sat up in your bed the morning of court screaming. I ran to your room and picked you up and asked you what was wrong. You said, “I’m scared Mama.” I held you but I was terrified to. I know you wanted to stay with us. I meant it when I told you that you will ALWAYS be my daughter and my princess and that you can ALWAYS come back home to us. This will ALWAYS be your home. I was packing a few of your things that night and I asked Daddy about one of the items…if I should pack it or not. He said, “No, she will need that when she comes home.” And then I realized…we are all still thinking this time will be like last time. That you will come back eventually. But still it’s terrible. How will it be when we have to come to terms with the fact that we will never see you again? I can’t even wrap my mind around that…I can’t convince myself that this is it. I don’t want to. It has to end differently than this. You are my daughter. And you aren’t home. When kids are kidnapped you do everything in your power to find them. When your kid gets taken from you…you fight to get them back. When your kid runs away you go to every place you can think of to bring them back home. My daughter is gone and there is NOTHING I can do about it. Nothing. How is that possible? I fought for you. I fought for you with everything in me, but it just wasn’t good enough. I hope you know that I never gave up on you. I am still not giving up!! Not yet. Everyone things I am strong and brave. But I'm not. YOU are the brave one. You have had to be since you were a toddler. It shouldn't be that way. I miss you so much sweet girl…my heart is broken and I just wish I could hold you. I wish I could fix this for you. I love you BIG and you will always be MY little girl. I have listened to this song over and over since you left…it’s exactly how I feel…

“There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says….
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I Will Carry You~Selah


Until you come home,
Mama

Dear Princess,

I am not thrilled with how fast the days are flying by when you are home, yet dragging when you are gone. If I knew how to pause time I would. It’s hard keeping a smile on my face all day when I can’t stop thinking about how little time I have left with you. I wish I could run with you…hide out and come back when you were 18. I am terrified of what you are going to think about us when you go home. I know your mom is angry at us and may tell you that the reason you don’t see us anymore is because we didn’t want to, or because we tried to keep you from her. That’s the thought that haunts me all day long, every day. I can’t get over it. I will never forget your face the day the judge ruled you be returned to your bio mom in March of 2011 you were crushed. I put you in your bio mom’s car and kissed you bye and told you I loved you…I was so worried I would be hurt because you would be excited to go. Instead you pushed my face away and stared straight ahead. You wouldn’t say a word. You were so angry with us and hurt. I knew you thought we were giving you away. When the judge ruled you were to start staying with your mom 3 days a week in May of this year to transition you back home, you were again upset. When I explained to you what was going on you cried and held on to me. When your bio mom tried to pick you up, you held our your arms to me and cried and said, “I have to go with her. Please. I have to go with her.” I cried all of the way home. The look in your eyes…being helpless to fix it for you. I can’t bear it. And here it is, 10 days away from doing it again. Yet, this time it’s the last time. The last time I will ever comfort you, try to relieve your fears. The last time I will hold you and tell you I love you. I don’t know HOW to let you go. How do you learn to let your daughter go and tell her goodbye forever? To the world, I am nuts because we don’t share DNA…therefore you aren’t mine and I should just move on. DNA doesn’t make a family…you are my DAUGHTER and I can’t wrap my head around telling you bye. You think Canada is a safe place for us to hide???? 10 days is flying by and NOT ENOUGH…there are a MILLION things I will miss. But, the 10 things I have been thinking most about are



1) Your first day of Kindergarten…I wanted to meet your teacher, take you to your room the first day, pick you up and hear all about your first day. I am praying you get a teacher who loves Jesus too and will look out for my sweet girl…who will be kind to you and try to understand you instead of just writing you off as a discipline problem or a silly girl. You are a gorgeous, sweet, intelligent, curious, incredible little girl and I pray she sees that just as I do. I have no doubt you will be an incredible doctor just as you plan.

2) The holidays!!!!! Trick or treating, doing crafts, bonfires, parties, Christmas morning…it won’t be the same without you baby. I hope your holidays are magical and that our Christmas gifts manage to get to you.

3) Hearing you read your first book when you learn to read. I was looking forward to letting you climb in my lap and read books to me and see the proud look on your face.

4) Your first crush on a boy…your first school dance…prom night…being there to guide you and answer your questions and teach you about purity and integrity.

5) Your high school graduation…seeing you walk across the stage with your cap and gown to get the diploma and make everyone eat their words!! You can do anything you want to do and don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise! Should I get an invitation…I would be the loudest one there and so proud of you!

6) Your first day of college…even though saying goodbye would be terrifying for me, I would be so proud and honored to watch you pursue your dreams and achieve them.

7) Watching you graduate college and get your first job in whatever career you choose. Right now you want to be a doctor..it will probably change 20 times by then…I don’t care as long as I it’s what you want to do and honorable.

8) When you meet the boy you want to marry and watching the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle and make some man the luckiest man in the world. Marry a man who loves the Lord and treats you as wonderful as you deserve. Marry a man who when you are older and the “romance” isn’t what it used to be what you have is your best friend sitting beside you growing old with you.

9) Holding your babies and watching you be the incredible mother that I know you will be. Know that you don’t have to follow in the footsteps of your bio mother…your childhood and the example of a mother that you had does NOT define the woman/mother you will be.

10) Watching you grow into a beautiful preteen/teenager/woman who serves the Lord, loves Him and seeks to honor Him in everything she does.

I may not be there for the journey and these milestones but I am praying for you each step of the way. Remember that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent and your circumstances, past and mistakes along the way do not define you as a person. Never give up on what you want. And please know that your home is always here with us and you can come back any time you want. We will always love you and we will always take you…no matter if you are 6, 15, 25 or 80. I love you to the moon and back sweet girl. Goodnight…sweet dreams. Tomorrow maybe we will see what property is going for in Canada.

Love,
Mama

Dear Princess,

Today you came back from your three day stay with your bio mom. Daddy, Madison and I couldn’t wait to go pick you up. I looked in your bag to see if the “olive branch” I sent out came back with a good report. No such luck. That means that you have 11 days left with us before you leave us forever. You were so loving and sweet tonight. You sat at the kitchen table and told Daddy, “Daddy, I love you. I really missed you.“ You have no idea what that did to our hearts. Madison laughed at you for being silly during dinner and she told you that you were so silly and you laughed and said, “I know.“ I love my silly girl…you brought laughter back in to my life just by walking through my front door that night almost two years ago. I gave you a bath and when I was getting you in the tub you said, “Mama, Madison had a dream about Daddy last night. I had a dream too.“ I asked what you dreamed about and you said, “You!!!“ and hugged me tight. You have no idea how much my heart is breaking..I guess I’m glad you don’t. You have had such sadness in your life..I don’t want to be someone who adds more. There is a lot of things that I want to say to you that I wish you were old enough to understand. Maybe you understand more than I know. If you can’t grasp anything else please take hold of two things: Jesus loves you more than anyone ever will…He will be with you even when Mama and Daddy can’t be…He loves you and will never leave you or forget you…remember, He has engraved your name on the palm of His hand. The second thing is this: Mama and Daddy love you with ever bit of our heart…and a piece of our liver too. You are our daughter forever, even if you don’t live with us. You will always be my Sunshine, my baby, my Pepper, Little Bit, my Princess and my sweet girl for as long as I live. I may not be able to see you ever again but I will never go one day without thinking of you a million times and praying for you with every thing I am. Mama loves you baby….you changed my life. You walked in to my front door with your big brown eyes and curls and smiled your beautiful smile and it was love at first sight. I will never forget one second of that night. We played with baby dolls and painted each other’s nails. You sat in my lap for a few hours watching Lady and The Tramp and I was nervous if you would sleep or cry all night. I put you down in your bed and you smiled at me and went to sleep. The next day you called me “Mama” and melted my heart. I know your life is fixing to get so confusing, sad, scary and uncertain and I want you to know you will have Jesus and all of his angels surrounding you every second of it. Never doubt that. I hope you never think for a second that we gave you away, gave up on you or didn’t want you. That would break my heart even more. Please keep laughing, smiling and being the sweet girl that you are. The girl that I love more than life itself. 11 days isn’t enough time…but I am grateful for even that. I love you and a MILLION things about you…but here are 11 of those things:

1) I love the way you take my face with both of your tiny hands and give me kisses. It melts my heart every time.

2) I love when you ask me to please sleep in the room with you at night.

3) I love that laugh that is contagious and makes everyone laugh with you…and your dimples when you smile. You make me laugh all day long at the silly things you say and do.

4) I love the way you tuck Madison in every night at bedtime and tell her goodnight and kiss her forehead. Sometimes she acts annoyed by it, but she adores it.

5) I love how fiercely loyal you are to those you love even at 5! You are so protective of your sisters. I feel the same way about you.

6) I love the way you come alive when you are anywhere near the water and could stay all day until dark if we let you…and then ask for an hour long bubble bath. Our little Mermaid.

7.) I love the way you are never in a hurry…you have to stop and smell flowers, look at birds, scope out an ant bed. The world is one big playground to you and you always have time to enjoy it.

8.) I love when you beg me to let you bake with me in the kitchen. I love sharing this time with you. I swear you are going to be a chef one day, even though you insist you are going to be a doctor. Either way, I will be so proud of you.

9.) I love how attentive you are to the baby and what an AMAZING big sister you are. Every time the baby cries, you run into the room screaming, “I’m coming baby!!” and go make her laugh again. You are going to be such a good Mommy one day.

10.) I selfishly love the way that I am the one person that can always make you feel at ease and safe instantly.

11.) I love the funny way you say things because you don’t yet have the words to say them correctly. I secretly hate when you figure them out and correct yourself.

　

11 of the million things I love about you…goodnight baby!

Love,

Mama

3 Weeks...

That’s what we have left. It’s looming over my head and driving me insane. It can make me not want to get out of bed and darken every single day until the dreaded day if I let it. But not only do I have two other sweet girls, but I have to make the most of her days left with us. But when the house is quiet and I have time to think…I drive myself crazy with questions, worries and fear. I prayed that if she had to leave us that she would want to live with her mom and be okay with it. It seemed as if she was getting there after weeks of hating even the idea of going again the next week for her visit. She was coming home glad to be back, but also seemed like she had a good time. Once, she asked me all day long when it was time for her to go to her Mama C’s house. As much as it hurt, it was still a relief. Things were okay if she wanted to go there, right? I told myself this anyway. She would still say that she wanted to live with us….until one day a few weeks ago she changed her mind…said she didn’t want to live with Mama C. The past few weeks she has been coming home with bruises that I had to report to most importantly protect her but also to protect my husband, myself and our family. This sent her mom into a hellacious fit and she will no longer let the Princess call us every night that she is at our house. We even tried letting the Princess continue calling her mom while she was with us and she wouldn’t answer the phone. We tried. I didn’t want to try but this little girl will be home soon and wondering why we don’t call, visit…I don’t want it to be because of anything we did. I knew in the back of my mind that her mom would eventually change her mind about us continuing our relationship with the Princess. I even told her this after the last court hearing we had. She assured me this wouldn’t happen. I knew better. But, I tried to give her the benefit of doubt. Even though I knew this would happen….I tried so hard to convince myself this wasn’t the end. Now here we are…and her mom isn’t communicating. In her mind, we once again tried to destroy her daughter from going home and to disrupt her family and accuse her of false things. In her mind, she was working so hard to make this dysfunctional family we have work. What we can’t make her see is that this child is still in our care and will be protected by us and that we have a family to protect to. Bruises and claims of abuse can not come back on us. She doesn’t see it this way. We have been praying like never before…trying to keep our focus on God’s will and trying so hard to not think ill of her mom and assume the worst. Let me just tell you, this is hard when the child is coming home with bruises on her and stories about what happened. Yes, these things have been documented with DHS and I have taken pictures that are dated to protect my family. Has anything been done? I think you know the answer to this. So many people who heard her story and were outraged by how little was being done for her and made promises, empty promises, to help her and go to bat for her. I’m glad she doesn’t know how little was done for her by the ones whose job it is to protect her. They are supposed to look into everything and be there for us to be able to report things that we think aren’t right. The parents who lost the kids are supposed to be proving themselves…that they have changed and are able to care for them now. Instead, we the foster parents, have been treated as though we are the ones who need to prove ourselves…as though we are the ones who have made mistakes. The mom is taken at her word on anything she says. And then there is DHS who lets the child fall through the cracks because they would rather take the mom at her word and be done with this case then continue it and do their job making sure this kid is safe and provided for. Several of them have said it’s the most difficult case they have ever seen and can’t wait to be done with it. But at what price?? A child’s future isn’t something to be taken lightly and be so careless with. This child…all children…but for me it’s this child deserves the world. She deserves for people to fight for her and to make sure that she will be safe, provided for, cherished. She deserves to not be in fear constantly. She deserves everything in this life that is good. She deserves more than that even. I would go to hell and back for this little girl. Sometimes it feels like that’s what we have done. There are all different types of loved all wrapped up in that one word…love. My love for this little girl is fierce. I have seen the look on her face when she is terrified and anxious. I have seen the look on her face when she was confused about what was happening in her life. I have been there. I have been there when she woke up screaming in the middle of the night…when she was so scared of being away from me that I couldn’t even go to the next aisle in the grocery store without her…when she screamed at the sight of a playpen and wouldn’t go near the person she loved because they were standing next to it…when she was so upset and anxious because she knew what she wanted to say but couldn’t express herself in words. I have been there. I have seen the damage and the hell that she has been through. And it has been my joy to be there as she smiled and was able to say, “I’m angry” or “I’m sad”. It has been my joy to be there when she could sit in time out and cry rather than spit and throw mattresses across the room from not being able to communicate. It has been my joy to be there as she sings softly “Jesus loves me, this I know”. It has been my joy to be there as she says, “I’m happy Mama. I’m happy here.” It has been my joy to be there as she was able to be more self sufficient and glow with pride. It has been my joy to be there as she says, “Jesus will never forget me…he wrote my name on his hand.” It has been my joy to be there for every single tight hug, kiss with both hands on my face, sweet smile, and tons of laughter. It has been a joy to fight for her with every thing I have. It has been a joy to be her Mama. And she will always be my daughter. My Pepper. My Princess. My Laughter. My Sunshine. My Baby. Always…that goes beyond 3 weeks.

We are still here....

and a lot has happened since my last post. I regret that it has taken me this long to update my blog. Sometimes I start typing an update but then stop because I have already had to talk about it so much…over and over and over…until I just do not feel like talking about it yet again. Sorry for the lack of posting for those who keep up with our journey and support us in prayer and encouragement. I am going to really try my hardest to start being more regular with my posts, not only to update everyone but also as a journal for myself. The girls do the funniest, sweetest things and although I put it on Facebook a lot, I don’t want to forget it. (And thanks to the new timeline format..I can’t go back and retrieve older status updates to write them down.) It will take a long time to update on everything since my last post so I will do it in the next few posts. Here are a few of the things that have happened:

*We finalized Madison’s adoption!!!!

* The Princess turned 5!

* We went to court for the Princess yet again.

* The tooth fairy visited our house for the very first time!

* We had a baby boy stay with us for a little over 24 hours.

*We had our first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family.

* We went on our first family vacation.

* We have a 3^rd little girl in our home now whom we refer to as Little Miss Sunshine.

* We have court for the Princess looming over our heads…again.

* We lost a wonderful, godly, compassionate man in our lives. My Grandfather (PawPaw to the girls) went to be with the Lord.

* We have severe anxiety issues…seperation anxiety.

　

I will elaborate on every one of these during the next SEVERAL posts. I promise. I can’t share pictures of the girls that are still foster kiddos. But I can share sweet photos of my Maddie and cute photos of chunky baby legs. Thanks for always supporting us…we can never tell you how much it means to us. This journey has been the hardest…best thing that has ever happened to us. Beautiful Chaos.

　

(* I will refer to the three girls most often by their nicknames: The Princess is our first placement we ever had and have had her for 17 months. She just turned 5. Priss Pot is our Madison who is now adopted and will be 4 next month. Little Miss Sunshine is the new baby we have had for a month tomorrow. She is 6 months old.*)

From Bad to Worse...

That’s where this case is going. We went to court for the Princess on March 20^th . DHS and counseling were asking for the judge to agree to start transitioning the Princess back into the home through unsupervised visits. My husband and I wrote up every one of our concerns, (financial, mental, judgment, etc.) and gave it to the Princess guardian ad litem (her lawyer). Her lawyer told us that if we would sign it that he would submit it to the court. Of course we signed it. As court progressed I could tell the way things were headed…DHS was painting the judge yet another perfect picture of bio mom…mom of the year. Didn’t you know that’s why you get your kids taken away? The DA began to question the Princess’ caseworker at which point she was caught in so many lies it was unreal! The DA asked the caseworker, “Have you discussed the plan of transitioning the child home with the foster parents?” She replied, “Yes.”. True. The DA then asked her, “Do the foster parents have any reservations or concerns about this plan for the child to transition back into the home?” Sit down and prepare yourself….”NO, they have no reservations or concerns.” For a few seconds I just sat there in shock…ANGER…and disbelief. The Princess’ lawyer turned around and looked at us and laughed and responded, “The foster parents have no concerns or reservations?” This was her chance to possibly redeem herself with the truth. “NO, they don’t.” The Princess lawyer responded with, “I have a two page letter of concerns signed by the foster parents in my hand.” I would like to say this was one of several lies she told under oath….she has also not talked to us since. No in home visits (she sent someone in her place), no phone calls for updates (we never get these anyway), no calls to check and see how things are going (these are few and far between as well). The Princess’ lawyer continued to question the court about our concerns and then came and sat by us. He told us that he had the same concerns as us about the visits being unsupervised, but he was pretty sure the judge was going to approve it. He said that if anything bad happened…she had a hard time with it…or anything came up to call him and he was pretty sure he could end them. It’s nice to hear…but we have little faith in anyone in the legal system at this point. Empty promises is all they give you. But we are desperate and so we cling to any glimmer of hope shown to us. Court wrapped up and the judge said that the bio mom had made significant progress (my definition of progress and his are apparently very different…she has a place to live and works a few hours a week) and that she “deserved the chance to prove that she could parent her child”. I’m sorry, but I thought she had that at birth…I though she had that again after her child was sent home last March and then returned in 8 days. Nope. She deserves another chance. The judge approved DHS’ recommendation. What does this mean for the Princess and us? On Tuesday mornings we leave our house at 8:15 to drop her off. She is then with her mom all day unsupervised and her mom brings her to speech and then she comes home at 5:30. Wednesday evening at 3:00 DHS arrives at our house to take the Princess to the DHS office where her mom comes to pick her up and the Princess stays the night with her. Thursday morning they wake up and go to speech again and counseling and hang out until she comes back to us at 5:30. Basically, she is gone for 3 days and when she comes home she is asleep and exhausted!! The day visits and overnight visits are supposed to prove whether or not she can provide for her child. Did you know if you can bring your child to town for two meetings it proves you can properly care for your child? I thought caring for a child meant keeping them safe, loving them,
proper hygiene, feeding them, etc. My mistake. So are we. The first Thursday was uneventful. I asked bio mom Monday evening if I should send snacks and she said that would probably be a good idea. Just say you don’t have food! I didn’t make that mistake again and do NOT send food anymore. The next Tuesday we found out something very big that I can’t share on here…don’t worry DHS said it wasn’t a big deal at all…even though it was something she was required to have and doesn’t…no big deal they say. Wednesday rolls around and the Princess’ caseworker still hasn’t called to tell us what time she will be at our house. I knew what time she was coming only because bio mom told me. They told her but not us. I think it would be the people with whom she resides you should inform what time you will be picking her up. It’s 40 minutes past the time they were supposed to be there to get her to her mom on the scheduled time and nobody has called. I text bio mom and she is walking in DHS office and asked about it. They tell her someone is on their way and is running late. Would have been courteous to have called us to let us know. Whatever. They show up almost an hour late and I was ticked. I was ticked I had to send her to her mom’s…ticked that we have a lazy, apathetic, unprofessional caseworker and I took it out on the caseworker who showed up. It wasn’t OUR caseworker..she sent someone in her place. No shock there. The caseworker walks in and I wasted no time…I told her that a call the day before or even the morning of to tell us what time they would be there would be the professional thing to do and would have been appreciated. I told her that we do have other things to do in our life besides wait for DHS to call us and tell us the next thing they need us to do and that the next time they decide to just show up at their convenience we may not be here! I calmed down a smidge to finally tell her it wasn’t her fault..that it was our caseworker’s and asked her to pass on the message. Was I out of line or does anyone else see this as unprofessional?? I am so tired of the bio mom knowing what’s going on but we are left in the dark. She knows what time court is but we are there hours early because nobody told us it was changed. SO SICK of being used and called a “resource”. Yes, we knew we were going to have to see kids get sent home and yes we knew we were a “resource” but I had no idea we would just be babysitters to be used at their whim. I had no idea when they told us in classes that we would be the children’s advocates and had to fight for them how empty those words were. How do you fight for kids against them?? The very ones who are supposed to be working on the kids’ behalf but instead work to give the parents countless chances to prove what we already know…they can’t change. Yet, they deem them fit. They tell you to fight but tie your hands behind your back…if you go against what they say they resent you and won’t work with you or listen to you…if you hire a lawyer they take the kids from you. They tell you “document everything”. For what??? I document and turn it into the caseworker, the guardian ad litem, the judge…and FOR WHAT??? For them to say that we have gotten so attached to the child that we want to sabotage her chances to get her back. They make you feel really good about being a foster parent in the classes…the kids need you and you are going to love them and let them know what it is to be loved unconditionally, safe and protected, cherished and that they are worth so much and that this isn’t their fault and LET THEM BE A KID! You get your license and you are so ready to be a part of changing a kid’s life…just to be slapped in the face and told you are too attached to the child and biased towards the mom. I distinctly remember a gentleman asking the leader of the class about attachment and how attached we should let ourselves become and what do we do if they WANT to call us mom and dad ( you aren’t allowed to require this of the child). They responded with, “Treat them as if they were your own and it will break your heart but you just have to do it. You have to get attached and fall in love with them because they need that bond. If they choose to call you mom and dad, let them. Don’t correct.” Yet, the child is getting in trouble because she chose to call us mom and dad from the second day she was with us…we are getting treated poorly because we fell in love with the child. The horror stories they told us about if a child throws your T.V. down the stairs and smashes it you shouldn’t get on to them…those things caused an uproar in the class and made us scared. How will these kids behave? Will that really happen? Will the kids really behave this way and be so our of control and angry? We have YET to get a child who was anything BUT sweet, courteous, well mannered, beautiful, intelligent, loving…In a system built to protect kids and take them from harmful situations and place them in loving family while their family gets their life together..and if they don’t the child is placed with an adoptive family…we have NOT seen this. We have seen a system that wants the child back home regardless of the situation and will overlook anything to get this done…even the most obvious of things. I will say this, it’s not like this in EVERY county. We have worked with three counties…one was pretty good, one is EXCELLENT, and one is TERRIBLY INCOMPETENT. The princess is in the latter one unfortunately. I cannot give you details but if you knew all of the things that have been turned in, all of the things mom has admitted, all of the things that are so OBVIOUS that DHS is overlooking in order to get this child sent home you would be appalled. I digress……

Wednesday night the Princess stays with her bio mom and spends all day Thursday with her. Thursday we go to her counseling session (we are allowed to go anytime we want) and I am on one hand unbelievably excited because I will get to see the Princess and it’s been 1 ½ days since I have seen her. On the other hand I am anxious to see how she did. We get there and sit in the lobby where my husband reads our daughter books and I worry until I hear her voice and she races into the building. She runs up to me and screams, “Heeeeeyyyyyy Mommmmyyy!!!!” and gives me a huge bear hug. I hug her back and then in a split second she is off. She is racing from one person to the next, from one part of the room to the next like a person on speed. I look her over and see that she is wearing the outfit I packed, the sandals I packed with socks as well (why I have NO idea) and one is inside out…her hair is all over her head and has a rubber band holding a few strings in an attempt at a pony tail. Her mom looks exhausted and begins to tell us that the Princess got mad at her that morning and slapped her in the face. Okay. We have never seen behavior like this before from her but just ask why. Apparently, she was on the computer and didn’t want to get off of it to come to counseling. No comment. The Princess is still going 90 to nothing and wired!! I am watching her like a hawk and then the counselor comes in the lobby and takes my husband, daughter and I back first to talk about how things are going and our concerns (because we all know this just really gets things done). After we talk she brings in the Princess and her bio mom. This is when everything falls apart and I want to SCREAM!!!!!! I listen to her mom aimlessly list the things they did that night and describe how perfectly things were going but am watching the Princess the whole time and I see that look in her eyes that I have seen once before….lost, confused, hurt. WILD. She is everywhere…can’t contain her energy and then she begins to run
towards me to show me a toy she is playing with. I immediately began to see red…she is running with her legs swinging outwards like and so awkward, almost as if her hips hurt her. She is clumsy and runs into things and keeps tripping. While she runs she sticks her bottom out like a duck and from the waist up she is hunched over and runs clumsily and strange and stomps each foot as it comes down. It’s so hard to explain but it was so crazy that the session comes to a halt and the counselor asks, “Why is running so weird?” I of course pipe in and want to know the same! Mom doesn’t know…she didn’t notice anything…maybe it’s the sandals. I inform them that she wears those sandals all of the time and never has a problem. Maybe it’s because she is wearing socks with them…does she ever wear socks with sandals? I say no…and wonder what kind of question is that…who puts socks on with sandals on their child??? Mom says she insisted on wearing socks with them and wouldn’t let her take them off. Let. This is how their relationship is…the Princess runs the show. She has never once insisted on wearing socks with sandals..she hates socks period. I can’t keep them on her…even in winter when I tell her that she has to wear them I constantly turn around to see she has them in the hamper and have to put them back on. She won’t wear slippers either. Mom says one…that’s right ONE…of the sandals looks too small. No, they aren’t too small. The more questions that come up and the more the Princess runs awkwardly the more nervous mom seems to get. I try to ask the Princess if her legs hurt…joke with her about her running like a duck to see if she will tell me. She says, “Mommy, What’s wrong with you?” and I respond, “Me? You are the one running like a duck!” hoping she will let it out. No. The subject is dropped and they move on. They want to talk to mom and the Princess alone and so we take our daughter to the zoo to play in the splash pad while they finish counseling and head to speech. She had a blast on the splash pad for a while but it started getting windy and she was cold so we went to the DHS office to wait for the next 30 minutes until the Princess is there to go home with us…because let’s face it…gas to just ride around isn’t cheap. We talk for a bit and then hear the Princess again…she is still running awkward and WILD. Mom brings her in the office and looks like she may pass out from exhaustion at any minute. She looks aggravated and says that the Princess had a bad time and slapped the speech therapist in the face. I already had plans to call the speech therapist on our way home to see how it went and when she said that I was ready to leave to go call. Mom leaves and the Princess is more wild if that’s even possible. She gets a pencil and paper and begins stabbing the paper with her pencil and scribbling really hard. She seems very angry. She tries to stab my daughter on the arm with a pencil for what reason I don’t know. This isn’t the little girl I know. We leave and I try to control myself but at this point I have a million emotions. Most of it being ANGER!!!!! I call speech and it’s one minute before they close and I pray someone answers. I get the therapist and tell her what the judge decided and that she just spent the night with her mom for the first time the night before and all day that day and that mom said the Princess slapped her in the face. I apologize for her behavior but tell her I need to know what happened. She tells me that the Princess did swing at her but didn’t make contact and definitely didn’t slap her in the face. She said that the little girl in that room today was a different little girl…that she was so angry and wouldn’t do anything for her…just ran around the room angry. She just sat in the chair and watched because after several attempts…nothing worked and she refused to cooperate. I could hear the shock and concern in her voice and asked her if she noticed her running different. She said definitely and described it to me exactly as I described it to you. I asked her if she would be willing to write this down and maybe call the Princess’ caseworker and supervisor to tell them what she had just told me. She wasn’t sure she could do that legally but told me to find out if she could talk to someone and she would be more than happy to because it was the worse she had ever seen her and was worried. She said she documented everything to be turned in and assured me she would do whatever she could to help us. It’s a small ray of hope that I know won’t do any good but I cling to it anyway and breath a sigh of relief. Maybe it just felt nice for someone to finally see what we see!!! How this child responds to her mom’s care. I again try to calm myself and then call the Princess’ lawyer on his cell phone and leave him a message to call me back ASAP. The next morning his secretary returns my call and says he isn’t in and won’t hush until I tell her what the concern is. She says she will have him call me and I hear in her voice what I am so used to hearing lately….indifference. Once again, we are concerned for nothing…it’s all in our heads..we are trying to sabotage mom’s chance of getting her child back. I hang up feeling even more defeated and somehow manage to pray that he will call me back Monday morning and be the lawyer for her that she NEEDS him to be. That someone will FIGHT FOR HER!! Until that phone call the feelings of defeat, helplessness, anxiety, hurt, anger and desperation are overwhelming!! And I have no hope that he will do anything to change that. The only hope we have is that God will intervene and do a miracle. I know He CAN…I just pray He WILL!!!!

We Are Still Here.....

and sorry it took so long to update. Life has been extremely busy here. Here are the things we have accomplished since my last post:

We had a Southern Belle and a Cowgirl for Halloween and Trick-Or-Treated three time. Once in our community at relatives houses. Once at a block party in a local town. Once at our zoo. We had more candy than we knew what to do with. Well, the girls knew EXACTLY what to do with it.

We celebrated Thanksgiving with family and baked lots of food and also ate too much food. I went to my first Black Friday sale and it was quite the experience. I had scratch marks up my arm.

The Princess is now at 80-90% in her speech and is talking our ears off. We love it. She also just recently WROTE HER NAME for the first time!!

We have a new caseworker on the Princess’ case that we so far LOVE. We also have a court date….FINALLY. We go to court on January 31^st and DHS thinks the judge is going to TPR (Terminate Parental Rights). Praying and trying hard to leave it in God’s hands. I snatch it back out to worry often. Just being real.

Madison’s case went to court on November 2^nd and the judge ruled TPR. He terminated rights immediately and she is legally free. Since then, we have had an in home visit/interview and done the paperwork for the adoption. Last week we received a letter in the mail saying we are approved to adopt Madison. Since we are using Madison’s Guardian Ad Litem (the lawyer assigned to her case during the time she is in foster care that fights for her) the adoption is free. What a blessing!! We have turned in all of the paperwork and are now waiting for a court date. They are thinking it should be between February and March. CANNOT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!

We celebrated Jesus’ birthday and Santa Claus came. We met him a few times and sat in his lap and asked him for…..EYESHADOW. The Princess asked for Pink and Madison asked for Purple. Santa brought both. They LOVED the whole month of cookie making, crafts and other festivities. They went to 2 Christmas parties for foster care and had a blast. The got more presents than any kid should be allowed to get from digital cameras, scooters, clothes, games, puzzles, twin baby dolls, doctor kit, wooden food, new wood kitchen, make up kits to books, dress up clothes, Barbies, Rock N Roll Elmo, jewelry, Fazoodles and more. This is the only year Christmas will look like this. We had a blast spoiling them on their first Christmas with us and they had so much fun. I think the thing they enjoyed most during the Christmas season was our Christmas tree!! Everytime I mention taking it down they get upset….it’s still up. I may have to sneak it down after they go to bed one night. I admit though….I have enjoyed it more this year than any other year. Maybe it’s seeing the ornaments they made on it…maybe it was seeing them sit in front of it smiling and taking it in. Either way we all hate to see it go. Decorating was definitely a sweet memory as was going to the walk through Lewis Lights with them and friends.

We have decided to home school….knowing everyone will have strong opinions….but it’s what we think is best for our family. We are looking forward to it and their best friends right down the road are home schooling as well so we are in good company.

The Princess was diagnosed with PDD (Pervasive Development Disorder). There isn’t anything we can’t get through….that little girl is my heart.

Madison’s hair has grown long enough to put in pigtails and this may seem silly listing this but it was a HUGE deal to her when she could wear her hair just like her big sister.

My brother and his fiancé set their wedding date for January 27, 2012. Guess who the girl flower girls are? You guessed it…my sweet girls!! I am the Maid of Honor and my husband is the Best Man.

Our new favorite cartoons are as follows: Phineas and Pherb (“PhinFerb”), Max & Ruby, Dora The Explorer, the whiny Calilou, and Clifford The Big Red Dog.

The Princess has decided she is not a cowgirl, even though she still loves all things cowgirl, and has declared that is a “Frincess” (Princess) and our house is HER castle!





That’s the update for our family…..I will post a New Years post tonight with the highlights of 2011 for our family!!

Forever.....

Today brought lots of news. But all good news! That’s what you call a good day!! I think I spent 80% of it on the phone…which was the only downfall. I HATE talking on the phone. Tomorrow will most likely be the same…but after today…bring it on!!

First off we received the results from The Princess’ psych evaluation she had a few weeks ago. She was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and ADHD…which I expected. Autism was said to be a very slight “possible” and ODD (Obstinant Defiance Disorder) was ruled out. Yay!!! She is going to be just fine. It’s nothing we can’t get through. If I have learned anything it’s that faith and prayer get things done!!! I prayed for a good report and that she wouldn’t have to battle Autism because she already has SO much to get through. I prayed PTSD and ADHD would be it…because I knew she had it. Now we pray that being in a loving, stable home with people who love her and a large dose of Jesus will get her through PTSD. As for ADHD…it could be worse and she will be fine. The evaluation said the dominance is in hyperactivity. What a shocker! Ha-ha…she is definitely that. We just prefer to call it spirited. 8) Like I said, it could be worse.

I was pretty pumped from talking to them about her results and then it was time for her to go for her counseling. Her caseworker was picking her up today instead of the person who normally transports her. I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I told her “Mrs.______” would be picking her up instead. She said “NO! I go with ____!” Needless, to say when the caseworker got there she began screaming as soon as she walked in our front door. She jumped in Ronnie’s lap and clung to him screaming, “My Daddy!!!” and wouldn’t go. I promised her she was coming home and we would go visit Granda and play castle with her. (AKA: playing in the mud.) She was still crying when we put her in the car seat and kissed her bye. Have I mentioned yet how much I HATE when she has to leave when she clearly doesn’t want to go? I do…more than you know. She is always scared she isn’t coming back. Sheesh…so are we! We may have PTSD too from dealing with this up and down for almost 8 months. She went and was gone for almost 4 hours which was unusual since her counseling is the only thing she had to do today and it is for 1 hour. I figured they must have ended up talking and discussing things but wasn’t going to ask. I WILL be asking tomorrow, however, why she came home with a big blue bruise on her forehead. 8( I didn’t have to ask why the meeting was late…

The caseworker brought her home and she ran into the door and said “Hey, Madison! Hey, Mama!!” 8) The caseworker told me to call her at 8 o’clock the next morning to talk to her. I told her I would. But then she said, “I want to talk to you to see how ya’ll feel about adoption!” I seriously am surprised I was capable of answering her so fast, but I immediately said, “There’s no need for a phone call. The answer is yes!” She said the counselor asked today if it was possible for an open adoption. The DHS supervisor said they don’t negotiate. However, it seems we are headed towards an adoption. I am still in complete shock and awe!! Shock that it happened so fast and awe that God did exactly what I have begged for!! For her mom to sign her rights over and walk away. How incredibly awesome is that??? I sometimes thought maybe that wasn’t the right prayer or maybe that was asking something too big. I have never been more glad to be wrong. I will call tomorrow to see where we go from here…if they are going to come straight out with it and ask her if she wants to sign her rights over or if we have to wait and see. I am still praying hard that she will sign them over quickly and we can be done with the visits. I am also praying nothing happens in which we HAVE to, for some reason, let The Princess keep in touch in order to adopt. It isn’t a tie that needs to be kept in her situation. Please pray with us that bio mom will sign her rights over and will walk away completely. Thank you to those who continually pray for and encourage us. It means a great deal more than you will ever know…for us…but mainly for our girls and their future. I am thankful I know who holds their future in their hands. And it isn’t DHS or the judge.

(*I will update you again tomorrow after I talk to DHS more.*)

Highlights from the past few days:

Watching the girls play with their water guns today in their floppy sunhats of Granda’s and hearing Madison say, “I’m a lady!” when she put hers on.

The Princess talking in complete sentences for the past few days all day long!!!

Madison washing The Princess’ hair in the bathtub tonight and The Princess pretended to cry because water got in her eyes. Madison said, “I told you to close your eyes!”

Sitting at the dinner table about to eat and The Princess said, “WAIT!” and held out her hands on either side of her to say grace.

Watching the girls at the movies last night and completely LOVING it. In the middle of the movie Madison turned to The Princess and said, “I love you!” and then they hugged and kissed each other.

Hearing the girls sing as loud as they can in the backseat of the truck to the radio.

Flipping through the songs on my Adele CD in the truck and Madison says, “Wait mama, that’s my song!”

When the Princess says, “I make a name!” and then draws a picture.

Brief Update...

This will be a brief update on our journey the past few weeks…I am sorry for not blogging lately. We are still here and these are some of the things we have done/accomplished since my last blog entry:

We have learned how to ride our bike pretty well…still need practice.


We had a blast at a Spongebob birthday party.

We got tattoos.


We went to the zoo again and had fun playing in the splash pad.


We always love seeing the animals.

And riding the carousel.


Had a bonfire with our friends.

Made Halloween cupcakes.


Enjoyed sisterhood.

And just been plain sweet!

Update on Madison: Mom and Legal Father have both signed their rights away as of last week. TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) will go very smoothly on November 2nd since nobody is contesting it. 8] We are beyond thrilled that this beautiful, brilliant, sweet child will be our daughter!

Update on the Princess: Court last week found her going home with us. Court again December 1st. Her Grandma has come in the picture and said she wants her. Judge gave them 30 days to see if she passes all background checks and to get her own place to live. If this is accomplished in 30 days (and she passes all screenings) The Princess will go live with her and be adopted by her if she becomes available for adoption. I am praying like I have never prayed before, stressed beyond belief, SHOCKED and terrified!!!! Please pray with us that the 30 days will go by without these things happening. I can't imagine how we would go on without her...she is our baby, our daughter, our heart and Maddie's "sissy". I can't even let my mind go there....Please pray with us!!!!

July 2, 2008....

God answered our prayer for a child even though we didn't know it at the time. On this day our miracle was born...even though she wasn't born to us. Her mom struggled with issues of her own and at birth Madison was brought to a woman who was a friend of the family. This woman we owe enormous thanks to. She took our Madison and raised her for 2 1/2 years. This woman didn't just raise Madison...she ADORED her! She kept her from many things that could have hurt Madison. If it had not been for her, Madison would not be the innocent child she is today. I will forever be grateful to this woman...God used her to watch over our Madison until she came to us. I don't know why she wasn't born to us...only that maybe she was an answer to prayers for the woman who raised her as well.
On December 22, 2010 Madison was taken from the woman who raised her and sent to a foster home. She left the foster home in mid January 2011 and was sent to live with a great aunt. And on March 23, 2011 we welcomed Madison as our daughter into our home and hearts. I won’t forget one single second of that day. She showed up looking lost and scared…today she is all smiles, laughter and gives her Mommy and Daddy tons of kisses each day. She is our little diva…insisting on make-up, jewelry, perfume, purses and girly clothes. She is everything I dreamed our little girl would be and more. She is Daddy’s girl and Mommy’s sweetheart. With a heart of gold, a smile and laugh that is contagious and dimples to boot…she has stolen our heart. God has blessed us beyond what we asked for and more than we deserve.

This past Wednesday we took Madison to say goodbye to the woman who raised her, her aunt and her 3 sisters. Her aunt never showed up with her 3 sisters. We talked to the woman for about 2 hours while our girls played and listened as she told us about Madison’s first 2 ½ years. Madison was born on time and was a laid back, easy baby. This is no shock…she is still laid back and the easiest child I have ever known. She was born with her bottom two teeth, she stood up at 6 months and crawled at 9 months. She was a late talker and walker…not doing either until after she turned 1. She then began to run and has never walked since. This is a true statement. Everywhere Madison goes…she runs to get there. We have given up telling her to walk inside the house. She didn’t talk until after she turned 1...this doesn’t surprise me as well. She has tons to say now but is quite the observer. She takes it all in and has the memory of an elephant! The scar on her left knee is from continuously climbing on a glass coffee table until she fell and cut her knee open on it. Her biological father has never been a part of her life. She proudly told the woman that Ronnie was her Daddy and pointed to him! 8) Madison has three sisters who are 13, 9 and 7. All 4 are beautiful!!

We were given a CD with pictures of Madison from birth until 2 ½ years of age when she was taken, a letter, some of her clothes, her toys (some from her 1^st Christmas and some from her 1^st Valentine’s Day). She took pictures of Madison with us and we took pictures of Madison with her on her camera. We gave her a CD we made with all of our pictures since we have had her. The woman bought a copy of all of the movies she used to watch with Madison to send with her and a stack of books her aunt and uncle had bought for her. We talked and exchanged email addresses and then we said goodbye. We thanked her for loving our Madison and keeping her safe. We thanked her for raising her to be such a sweet, loving child with wonderful manners and who asked to go to church to see her Jesus. She hugged Madison and told her that we were her Mommy and Daddy and she would be with us forever, that she would be safe and loved and would never be taken from us. She told her she loved her and hugged her goodbye. She had tears in her eyes as Ronnie walked her to her truck. I felt horrible for her. It’s a weird feeling…elated that this child no longer has to go back and forth and have uncertainty and that she is OURS…and heartbroken for this saint of a woman who made sure Madison was loved and safe and now had to walk away from her. I thought about telling her we would bring Madison to see her occasionally but thought better of it before talking privately to Ronnie. We loaded our girls up and Ronnie said, “How do you think it went?” I told him good but that I felt bad for her. That I thought she was sincere in her love and devotion to Madison. He then said, “I started to tell her we would bring Madison to see her but didn’t think I should until I talked to you first.” 8) God is good isn’t he? We discussed it and have decided after the adoption is final we are going to go pick up the woman every 6 months and take her to dinner so that she can visit with Madison. I will email her updates every week and leave pictures of Madison at the DHS office for her to pick up. It’s not much…but how do you repay such a debt? I want to share some pictures of our Madison with you from the first 2 ½ years of her life…before she came to her forever home.

My cup runneth over....

The Good Wife's Guide...

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first- remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.



This is an article from Housekeeping Monthly in May of 1955. We have come along way ladies!! I think many women would stay single if this was still the expectation of a wife. I now see why it was expected of them to stay at home...after completing all of their duties as listed they certainly wouldn't have time for anything else. I got a kick out of this article given to me by my mom and wanted to share it with all of you.  I read it to my brother and his response was, "What's wrong with that? That's how it should be!" His fiance certainly has her work cut out for her. 8] So how do you rate as a wife after reading this?!?

More Time...

that’s what we have all been given as of yesterday. Us with the Princess and the bio mom to get her stuff together. Court was supposed to be the 23^rd of this month but yesterday I received a call from the caseworker saying the mom’s lawyer requested it be pushed back. Court is now on the 20^th of September. When I hung the phone up I was ticked…livid even. She gets chance after chance, and LOTS of time. They always manage to cut her a break. I’m just wondering when they will cut the Princess a break…and give her a chance….and give her time to be a kid and sort through everything she has been through. This time I decided to just try to immediately look for a silver lining. I didn’t have to look long….this gives us another month with The Princess. I think we got the better deal.



We had to get another round of shots for the Princess yesterday to catch her up. These were her 15 month shots. She wasn’t thrilled. However, the doctor raved over how much progress she has made…he couldn’t get over how good her speech was. He said over and over how pleased he was and that he thinks that her current environment is what has helped her catch up and do so well. 8) I told him she had been diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD primarily hyperactivity and that they said the issue of whether or not she should be medicated should be raised. From listening to his thoughts on ADHD I don’t think he is going to recommend medication. I am thrilled. You may judge me for that and that’s okay. I don’t judge those who choose to medicate…I just prefer not to. I do know this could change, but we will deal with that when the time comes. Both girls’ lungs sounded good…I asked him to check to make sure we had fully recovered from Bronchitis. It’s the second time we have had it in the last 4 months so I wanted to be sure!!

I told you in my last post that they said her mom had until November to have everything in order to get The Princess back, but I thought it was until January because that’s when she came to us. I am happy…no thrilled….to tell you that I was wrong!! She has until November 15^th . The bad news is that they could give her an extension of 3 months. The way this case is going, I wouldn’t be surprised. But I have to focus on the silver lining…more time with our Princess. And I think someone nailed it when they told me, “If she hasn’t shown us anything by now after 8 months, she isn’t going to. But you have to remember who is in control. Time doesn’t matter…it’s all up to God.” I have never in my life had to rely so much on the grace, compassion and justice of God. It’s a good place to be.

The Waiting Game....

I am exhausted and could fall asleep standing up today…I do not know why. Because of that, this post will be short and I am going to collapse in bed. And pray the girls are feeling just as tired and sleep in. Tomorrow we have an appointment for The Princess to get another round of shots. (For those who don’t know, she never had shots after 6 weeks of age and is getting caught up on immunizations. She will be done with this in November as we do a little at a time.) I am not excited about this. We will have to find a way to cheer her up afterwards. I hate that she has to get it done….it is awful. It breaks my heart the way she screams and begs us not to make her get them. I always end up crying along side her. I am sure they think we are a bunch of nut jobs.

The Princess did well today at her appointments and they said her visit with mom went pretty well this time…usually it’s a fighting match they have to break up. I did find out why she came home with no panties on yesterday which I didn't know until much later when i walked in the bathroom to check on her while pottying. I asked her where her panties were and she said home. Today I was told she had an accident yesterday during counseling. She has yet to have one since she woke up one day moths ago and decided to ditch her pull ups. Anxiety. That she was scared and nervous enough for this to happen makes me see red!!
            
           Her speech therapist is amazed at how well her speech is and that she is using complete sentences now. This makes for a happy and very proud Mama!! Madison and I stayed home and visited with my brother’s fiancé and did puzzles and laughed. She was a perfect distraction to my thoughts. She has the sweetest spirit. She asked when The Princess would be home and finally said she was tired and wanted her nap. I got tons of housework done and am proud to say….the MOUNTAIN of clothes has been demolished. For today. I am sure it will be back within the blink of an eye! How do 4 people…two of them very tiny….dirty so much laundry?? Anyways, I am trying not to bore you to death!!

As I mentioned on face book earlier today, it seemed the caseworker yesterday jumped the gun in telling me adoption was where we were headed. Today when I called her she said that she was asking us in case this is what happened…which she thinks will. I asked her if bio mom had said she wanted to sign over rights and the answer was no. I think they assumed…although the reason they assumed is legit. I hate assumptions…they give false hope. Hope is what we cling to around here!! When the worker who transports the Princess brought her home she was sacked out sleeping and continued to as I picked her up and put her in the car seat and slept for another 30 minutes. It gave me the chance to talk to the worker who smiled very big and said, “I saw on her file today her worker wrote that she had asked ya’ll about adoption and you said you wanted to.” I don’t know how to interpret the smile. I am taking it with a grain of salt…but hoping. It’s what we do. We hope. Bio mom was supposed to talk to the caseworker today after her visit with The Princess but haven’t heard yet how that went. They were going to ask her again if there are any relatives that could be a relative placement should she come up for adoption. There never has been or she wouldn’t have been placed with us. Mom always said there was nobody. Not sure what her answer was today. However, I feel reassured by my friend, who has been on this journey a lot longer than Ronnie and I, that they have to pass lots of screenings and background checks and so forth and only have 21 days to get their license. Not really worried about that happening. It’s been 9 months…if they were interested in having her I guess they would have already stepped up. Again we hope.

There was a possible silver lining in all of this. The woman who transports the Princess also said that the mom has until November to get her back and have everything in order. I told her this couldn’t be true because she has a year and the Princess came to us in January. The 6^th to be exact. She said they had started a case on her in November…but that maybe she was wrong. I am praying she is right.

I apologize that this post seems gloom and doom…we are really okay. We are trying to find the balance of trusting in God and not getting our hopes up. It’s not an easy thing to do. I don’t even know if it’s possible. Ask me later. Things are up in the air and we worry. But I know who is in control and He does an excellent job. And tonight, we have two beautiful girls sleeping in their beds. And they are SAFE. And very much loved. And that is enough for today. God is already in tomorrow.

Forever.....

Today brought lots of news. But all good news! That’s what you call a good day!! I think I spent 80% of it on the phone…which was the only downfall. I HATE talking on the phone. Tomorrow will most likely be the same…but after today…bring it on!!

First off we received the results from The Princess’ psych evaluation she had a few weeks ago. She was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and ADHD…which I expected. Autism was said to be a very slight “possible” and ODD (Obstinant Defiance Disorder) was ruled out. Yay!!! She is going to be just fine. It’s nothing we can’t get through. If I have learned anything it’s that faith and prayer get things done!!! I prayed for a good report and that she wouldn’t have to battle Autism because she already has SO much to get through. I prayed PTSD and ADHD would be it…because I knew she had it. Now we pray that being in a loving, stable home with people who love her and a large dose of Jesus will get her through PTSD. As for ADHD…it could be worse and she will be fine. The evaluation said the dominance is in hyperactivity. What a shocker! Ha-ha…she is definitely that. We just prefer to call it spirited. 8) Like I said, it could be worse.

I was pretty pumped from talking to them about her results and then it was time for her to go for her counseling. Her caseworker was picking her up today instead of the person who normally transports her. I knew this wouldn’t be easy. I told her “Mrs.______” would be picking her up instead. She said “NO! I go with ____!” Needless, to say when the caseworker got there she began screaming as soon as she walked in our front door. She jumped in Ronnie’s lap and clung to him screaming, “My Daddy!!!” and wouldn’t go. I promised her she was coming home and we would go visit Granda and play castle with her. (AKA: playing in the mud.) She was still crying when we put her in the car seat and kissed her bye. Have I mentioned yet how much I HATE when she has to leave when she clearly doesn’t want to go? I do…more than you know. She is always scared she isn’t coming back. Sheesh…so are we! We may have PTSD too from dealing with this up and down for almost 8 months. She went and was gone for almost 4 hours which was unusual since her counseling is the only thing she had to do today and it is for 1 hour. I figured they must have ended up talking and discussing things but wasn’t going to ask. I WILL be asking tomorrow, however, why she came home with a big blue bruise on her forehead. 8( I didn’t have to ask why the meeting was late…

The caseworker brought her home and she ran into the door and said “Hey, Madison! Hey, Mama!!” 8) The caseworker told me to call her at 8 o’clock the next morning to talk to her. I told her I would. But then she said, “I want to talk to you to see how ya’ll feel about adoption!” I seriously am surprised I was capable of answering her so fast, but I immediately said, “There’s no need for a phone call. The answer is yes!” She said the counselor asked today if it was possible for an open adoption. The DHS supervisor said they don’t negotiate. However, it seems we are headed towards an adoption. I am still in complete shock and awe!! Shock that it happened so fast and awe that God did exactly what I have begged for!! For her mom to sign her rights over and walk away. How incredibly awesome is that??? I sometimes thought maybe that wasn’t the right prayer or maybe that was asking something too big. I have never been more glad to be wrong. I will call tomorrow to see where we go from here…if they are going to come straight out with it and ask her if she wants to sign her rights over or if we have to wait and see. I am still praying hard that she will sign them over quickly and we can be done with the visits. I am also praying nothing happens in which we HAVE to, for some reason, let The Princess keep in touch in order to adopt. It isn’t a tie that needs to be kept in her situation. Please pray with us that bio mom will sign her rights over and will walk away completely. Thank you to those who continually pray for and encourage us. It means a great deal more than you will ever know…for us…but mainly for our girls and their future. I am thankful I know who holds their future in their hands. And it isn’t DHS or the judge.

(*I will update you again tomorrow after I talk to DHS more.*)

Highlights from the past few days:

Watching the girls play with their water guns today in their floppy sunhats of Granda’s and hearing Madison say, “I’m a lady!” when she put hers on.

The Princess talking in complete sentences for the past few days all day long!!!

Madison washing The Princess’ hair in the bathtub tonight and The Princess pretended to cry because water got in her eyes. Madison said, “I told you to close your eyes!”

Sitting at the dinner table about to eat and The Princess said, “WAIT!” and held out her hands on either side of her to say grace.

Watching the girls at the movies last night and completely LOVING it. In the middle of the movie Madison turned to The Princess and said, “I love you!” and then they hugged and kissed each other.

Hearing the girls sing as loud as they can in the backseat of the truck to the radio.

Flipping through the songs on my Adele CD in the truck and Madison says, “Wait mama, that’s my song!”

When the Princess says, “I make a name!” and then draws a picture.

Sharing My Daughter....

Have you ever been in a situation where you were so excited but yet dreading it so much it made your stomach turn…and then you sit back and watch it turn into something surprisingly wonderful? This was our experience today. It’s an unpredictable journey we are on, yet the one who has us on it isn’t unpredictable in the least. He promised to bring beauty out of ashes. And you can hold Him at His word. I have proof: My Madison.

Yesterday we were informed that Madison would have her last visit with her aunts. This may not seem like such wonderful news to you, but to us it’s HUGE! There are certain things we knew we would have to tolerate during this journey before we began, but that doesn’t always make it easy. A lot of times it seems unbearable. And one of those things for me is sharing my child. On the days that she go for visits with her aunts I am reminded once again that she isn’t really mine. I didn’t carry her for 9 months. I didn’t give birth to her or stay up all night with her when she cried. I didn’t hear her first words or see her take her first steps. Yet, she is mine. I was a mother the second she walked in my door. I couldn’t love her anymore if I had given birth to her. I prayed for her before she was born. How is that possible? I have been praying for almost 6 years for our kids. I just didn’t expect them to come to us the way they did. Madison is everything I ever dreamed our daughter would be and so much more. She is beautiful, kind hearted, sweet, brilliant, funny and spirited. She gives her love freely to those she loves through kisses and hugs all day. She ADORES her Daddy and that is just as it should be. She loves all things girly and thinks there is nothing better than spending time with Granda and Papa. She loves to be read to and sings and dances all over the house. She asks to go talk to Jesus constantly. She is our world and we couldn’t imagine life without her.

I was overjoyed when I realized I wouldn’t have to share my Madison with anyone ever again. All day I couldn’t help but think about this chapter of our lives that was finally going to be closed and the next one about to begin. I thought about it so much I didn’t stop to think about the big picture….that this chapter of her life wasn’t closed for HER yet. She still has thoughts and feelings to work through….to figure out in her little mind and her heart.

We dropped her off for her last hour visit and when we picked her up I was still excited but there was this uncertainty. Foster care is unpredictable. I didn’t know how it had went when DHS informed her aunts that they would never see her again. I had to wait until 5 o’clock to call her worker and ask her how it went. At 5:00 my husband hadn’t forgotten…he reminded me very quickly, “It’s 5 o’clock!!!” I called the worker.The “aunt” who raised her from the day she was born until a few weeks before we got her…was broken hearted. She knew this day was coming but she had no idea it would be today. The caseworker informed me the next part was when she needed me to listen to everything before I made a decision to what she was about to ask me. I took a deep breath and in that instant I was terrified. What if it would change everything? The aunt asked for one more visit to be able to tell her goodbye and let her 3 sisters tell her goodbye as well. She wanted to sit down and talk to me and Ronnie. I had a million thoughts running through my mind at this point. What did she want to talk about? Was she warning us she was going to try and fight it? Was the bio mom going to decide to actually fight it hard. But anything that veers from us adopting Madison even in the tiniest of chances…terrifies us. I really thought I may throw up. ….The aunt wanted to sit down with Ronnie and I and tell us Madison’s story. 8*) She wants to tell us everything there is to know about Madison…her life from the day she was born until the day she came to us. She wants to ask if we will please tell Madison her story one day. I can tell you I cried then as I am crying now while typing this. I know you were expecting me to announce an unexpected pregnancy or something extremely different than this. This is better. And yet that doesn’t even describe it. It is handing me my Madison’s past…the 3 1/2 years I missed out on. The one thing I still couldn’t get over…missing THREE AND A HALF YEARS of her life…and they are being handed to me. No, it’s not the same as holding her the first time and her grabbing my finger with her hand…seeing her first smile. I know it’s not the same. But somehow…to us….it is a miracle of it’s own. Time given back. That’s a gift you never get. It’s hard to adequately describe to you what this means to us. It means EVERYTHING. I can’t imagine the sacrifice she is making. To raise this precious little girl for 3 ½ years and then having to give her up. And then sitting across from the people who are “taking her” and giving them this. This gift. I am not sure I could do this. I never expected to feel this much gratitude towards this woman…this indebted. In the beginning, we didn't know how this woman felt about us and we weren't sure how we felt about her. (Later, we admitted we were jealous of her...that she had Madison for the first 2 1/2 years and had Madison's love and adoration.) Now, I am thanking God for this woman who cared for my Madison when I couldn’t care for her myself. Thankful that she taught her Jesus Loves Me and she sings it all day…especially when she is nervous or scared. Today I felt broken hearted for the woman who was losing her child because I have been there. I know what that is like. Did I happen to mention that not only is she telling Madison’s story, but she is also making us a CD with pictures of Madison from birth until she left her at 3 ½? When God blessed us with Madison I was overwhelmed but this…this I am not sure how to describe. That He is thoughtful enough to not only bring us the child we asked for…but to give us back her first 3 ½ years we lost. He is a GOOD GOD!! My Madison is proof of this.

September 8th we will go meet with the aunt and Madison’s 3 sisters. We have decided to tell her we will leave updates on Madison for her through pictures and letters at the DHS office so she can still watch Madison grow up. We will let her know that she is welcome to leave her own letters to Madison as well as pictures of their family, especially her sisters, for us as well. These things will go in her box we have for her when she turns 18 and we tell her her story. We are also going to ask for a picture of her mom to save for her.

This may seem odd to you since I am finally able to not share her. But what I have realized is this: I will always share her. She is not my child. She is on loan to us from God.