Sharing My Daughter....

Have you ever been in a situation where you were so excited but yet dreading it so much it made your stomach turn…and then you sit back and watch it turn into something surprisingly wonderful? This was our experience today. It’s an unpredictable journey we are on, yet the one who has us on it isn’t unpredictable in the least. He promised to bring beauty out of ashes. And you can hold Him at His word. I have proof: My Madison.

Yesterday we were informed that Madison would have her last visit with her aunts. This may not seem like such wonderful news to you, but to us it’s HUGE! There are certain things we knew we would have to tolerate during this journey before we began, but that doesn’t always make it easy. A lot of times it seems unbearable. And one of those things for me is sharing my child. On the days that she go for visits with her aunts I am reminded once again that she isn’t really mine. I didn’t carry her for 9 months. I didn’t give birth to her or stay up all night with her when she cried. I didn’t hear her first words or see her take her first steps. Yet, she is mine. I was a mother the second she walked in my door. I couldn’t love her anymore if I had given birth to her. I prayed for her before she was born. How is that possible? I have been praying for almost 6 years for our kids. I just didn’t expect them to come to us the way they did. Madison is everything I ever dreamed our daughter would be and so much more. She is beautiful, kind hearted, sweet, brilliant, funny and spirited. She gives her love freely to those she loves through kisses and hugs all day. She ADORES her Daddy and that is just as it should be. She loves all things girly and thinks there is nothing better than spending time with Granda and Papa. She loves to be read to and sings and dances all over the house. She asks to go talk to Jesus constantly. She is our world and we couldn’t imagine life without her.

I was overjoyed when I realized I wouldn’t have to share my Madison with anyone ever again. All day I couldn’t help but think about this chapter of our lives that was finally going to be closed and the next one about to begin. I thought about it so much I didn’t stop to think about the big picture….that this chapter of her life wasn’t closed for HER yet. She still has thoughts and feelings to work through….to figure out in her little mind and her heart.

We dropped her off for her last hour visit and when we picked her up I was still excited but there was this uncertainty. Foster care is unpredictable. I didn’t know how it had went when DHS informed her aunts that they would never see her again. I had to wait until 5 o’clock to call her worker and ask her how it went. At 5:00 my husband hadn’t forgotten…he reminded me very quickly, “It’s 5 o’clock!!!” I called the worker.The “aunt” who raised her from the day she was born until a few weeks before we got her…was broken hearted. She knew this day was coming but she had no idea it would be today. The caseworker informed me the next part was when she needed me to listen to everything before I made a decision to what she was about to ask me. I took a deep breath and in that instant I was terrified. What if it would change everything? The aunt asked for one more visit to be able to tell her goodbye and let her 3 sisters tell her goodbye as well. She wanted to sit down and talk to me and Ronnie. I had a million thoughts running through my mind at this point. What did she want to talk about? Was she warning us she was going to try and fight it? Was the bio mom going to decide to actually fight it hard. But anything that veers from us adopting Madison even in the tiniest of chances…terrifies us. I really thought I may throw up. ….The aunt wanted to sit down with Ronnie and I and tell us Madison’s story. 8*) She wants to tell us everything there is to know about Madison…her life from the day she was born until the day she came to us. She wants to ask if we will please tell Madison her story one day. I can tell you I cried then as I am crying now while typing this. I know you were expecting me to announce an unexpected pregnancy or something extremely different than this. This is better. And yet that doesn’t even describe it. It is handing me my Madison’s past…the 3 1/2 years I missed out on. The one thing I still couldn’t get over…missing THREE AND A HALF YEARS of her life…and they are being handed to me. No, it’s not the same as holding her the first time and her grabbing my finger with her hand…seeing her first smile. I know it’s not the same. But somehow…to us….it is a miracle of it’s own. Time given back. That’s a gift you never get. It’s hard to adequately describe to you what this means to us. It means EVERYTHING. I can’t imagine the sacrifice she is making. To raise this precious little girl for 3 ½ years and then having to give her up. And then sitting across from the people who are “taking her” and giving them this. This gift. I am not sure I could do this. I never expected to feel this much gratitude towards this woman…this indebted. In the beginning, we didn't know how this woman felt about us and we weren't sure how we felt about her. (Later, we admitted we were jealous of her...that she had Madison for the first 2 1/2 years and had Madison's love and adoration.) Now, I am thanking God for this woman who cared for my Madison when I couldn’t care for her myself. Thankful that she taught her Jesus Loves Me and she sings it all day…especially when she is nervous or scared. Today I felt broken hearted for the woman who was losing her child because I have been there. I know what that is like. Did I happen to mention that not only is she telling Madison’s story, but she is also making us a CD with pictures of Madison from birth until she left her at 3 ½? When God blessed us with Madison I was overwhelmed but this…this I am not sure how to describe. That He is thoughtful enough to not only bring us the child we asked for…but to give us back her first 3 ½ years we lost. He is a GOOD GOD!! My Madison is proof of this.

September 8th we will go meet with the aunt and Madison’s 3 sisters. We have decided to tell her we will leave updates on Madison for her through pictures and letters at the DHS office so she can still watch Madison grow up. We will let her know that she is welcome to leave her own letters to Madison as well as pictures of their family, especially her sisters, for us as well. These things will go in her box we have for her when she turns 18 and we tell her her story. We are also going to ask for a picture of her mom to save for her.

This may seem odd to you since I am finally able to not share her. But what I have realized is this: I will always share her. She is not my child. She is on loan to us from God.

Cinderella

Cinderella by: Steven Curtis Chapman
She spins and she sways
To whatever song plays
Without a care in the world
And I'm sitting here wearing
The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day
And there's still work to do
She's pulling at me
Saying "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle
And I've been invited
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone...

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad, the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone


She will be gone

Well, she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowing and telling us all they had planned
She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away
But I need to practice my dancing
Oh, please, Daddy, please?"

So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh, I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone



I LOVE this song. I admit I cry every time I listen to it….but it’s so very sweet. And so true. How often do you get so busy doing all of the things on your to do list and say to your child, “Hold on, let me do the dishes..” “Hold on, let me fold this load of laundry…” I am embarrassed to admit that I am guilty of this. And then I lay down at night and think to myself…Was that load of laundry really that important that I couldn’t go see the castle they had made with their pots and pans or apply yet another coat of lipstick to my little doll’s lips? Will it not still be there tomorrow? I know beyond a shadow of doubt that the pile of laundry in my bedroom will be there until I myself fold it and put them away. I do not have any assurance that my girls will be here tomorrow. One day they will be going off to college and I will be sitting here depressed wondering where all of the time went. I don’t want any regrets. I want to know I invested all of my time and love in them. That same pile of laundry in my bedroom that is there now…may be there 14 years from now when my oldest goes to college. I would rather paint and make cookies…take them outside to play with their kitten…build castles in the dirt or take them swimming in the creek. I’d rather dance with Cinderella!!

                                                                    

Bugs In Our Teeth, Psychologists, and Random Laughs

We are still alive…sorry about the lapse in posts. We have been very busy and going on little sleep around our house. I could sleep for a year!!
         In other news, we have bugs in out teeth. By “we”, I mean Madison. And by “bugs”, I mean cavities. I always tell the girls if they don’t let me brush their teeth they will get bugs in them. It gets the point across….and they let me brush their teeth! She went to the dentist on Thursday and came back with the news that she needed to go back in a few weeks to get fillings due to bugs. However, her caseworker bragged on how well behaved and well mannered she is. I am a proud Mama. There’s nothing like people having your kid for a day and being told they were “perfect”. She is a sweetie pie. Apparently everyone in the dentist office loved her and thought she was as well. Her caseworker said she sat very patiently to be called and as soon as her name was called she got up and went back. She did everything the dentist asked and when she left she said, “Thanks for looking at my teeth!”. Sweet girl…she was SO excited about her day with her caseworker that she was bouncing around all morning. I packed her a lunch which was icing on the cake. She doesn’t get to use her lunchbox a lot like The Princess does because she usually leaves in the evenings. When her caseworker showed up to get her, she grabbed her lunchbox and took off for the door screaming, “Bye Mama!” No kisses or hugs for Mama. When I mentioned it she ran back and gave me a kiss and then took off for the door again. Halfway there she ran back telling her caseworker to “wait!” and kissed The Princess on the cheek and then hugged her saying, “I love you! I’ll be back in a lil bit!” And then she was running out the door again. I love her adoration for her “big sissy”…and I really love that she loves her caseworker and likes going with her. And hopefully we won’t get any more bugs in our teeth.
          Wednesday we went for The Princess’ psychiatric evaluation. I was relieved that she woke up late (she is not a morning person) and in an incredibly cheerful mood. She was extremely cooperative getting ready…this really helped relieve Mama‘s jitters. I told her we were going to see a man who would ask her some questions but Mama and Daddy would be there the whole time. She did really well for him! I heard her answering the questions (as best she could) and giggling a lot. She talks about snakes all of the time…so when I heard him ask her what a picture was and heard her response…I couldn’t help but laugh. She said, “That’s a snake…he bite you!” And made a loud biting noise. She did good. While she was being tested I went in the psychologist’s office to answer some questions for him and fill out some paperwork about her behaviors. After discussing everything, down to the smallest of details, he said he is most likely going to diagnose her with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). He asked us if this sounded accurate. It made perfect sense! The meltdowns, the temper tantrums, the ANXIETY!! It makes perfect sense. While I hate that she has any diagnosis and obstacles to face…I am relieved with this diagnosis in a sense. I knew one of the things he was concerned about was Bi-Polar…and he didn’t seem convinced that Autism should be ruled out. After seeing her and talking to her…he saw how much anxiety she has. For instance, if my parents and siblings are babysitting or just have her over to play, she gets anxious after a while and wants to know where Ronnie and I are. She gets anxious when Madison goes for her visit and is gone long. She gets anxious when she has to go to the DHS office and in many other situations. Often so much so that she would have diarrhea. It explains a lot. Treatment for PTSD is therapy and medication. I was relieved to find out DHS doesn’t like to medicate. She is only 4 and I am not one for medicating a child (or anyone for that matter) unless it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and the LAST RESORT. I know some children need it and I am not condemning those families at all as we all want to do whatever we have to to help our babies. I just feel for this diagnosis she can get through it from being in a SECURE and STABLE environment where she knows she is safe and loved. And with much, much prayer! And if there are two things these girls are covered in…it’s love and prayers! It amazes me the numerous people we find out are praying for our girls and I cannot begin to tell you how much we appreciate it! We feel and see it at work in their lives and our own each and everyday. Our Princess is tough…I know it is because she has had to be…but she is TOUGH! And Her God is BIG!! She will get through this.
         Madison came up to me tonight after watching The Princess And The Frog movie and said so matter of fact, “Mama, I’m not kissing a frog!” I said, “You won’t? Not to even to find your prince?” She thought for a second and said, “I’ll kiss him on the cheek! NOT on the lips!” Hahaha…I asked her who her Prince was thinking she would say her Daddy like most little girls. Nope. She said, “Mickey Mouse.” Sorry Daddy! You better buy her more chicken nuggets and make sure Santa brings her the Power Wheels car she wants to bring up your rating.
         The Princess has been talking in complete sentences more and thankfully…around other people besides Ronnie and I like usual. We were in the car shopping with my mom and sister yesterday and she said, “I want some water, Mama!” My mom was just as excited as we get when this happens and said, “Did you just hear that?” Ha…it may not sound like much, but it is. It’s a HUGE deal for her. Any progress no matter how small is a big deal. She also has only had two temper tantrums since I posted on Facebook and on here asking for advice on her tantrums. You know, she potty trained about two days after I posted on Facebook asking for advice on potty training a child who is constantly traveling. I am seeing a pattern here. Tomorrow I will be posting advice for how to get a child to eat their vegetables. Any vegetables….even one!!! And I will be waiting for the next miracle. 8)
        Life is never dull at our house as the girls are into everything and constantly saying the funniest things ever! I don’t know where they come up with this stuff…but I know I wouldn’t trade any of it for all of the tea in China. Or maybe I should say for all of the sweet tea in the south. These girls have brought such joy, love, and hope into our lives. Someone told me the other day that the girls were so lucky to have us. My response to this is always the same…we feel like we are the lucky ones!!

He is Emmanuel: "God With Us"!

This couldn't have been more true this week. More specifically...today! It has been quite the week. On Saturday I accidentally poked myself in the eye with my finger and my nail scratched my cornea. I suffered through holding a wet washcloth over my eye until Sunday morning. And I just want you to know it WAS PAINFUL!!!!! I couldn't even open my eye and my head was pounding from the strain on my other eye. Not a fun experience at all. I went to Immediate Care bright and early Sunday morning. (I didn't go Saturday evening because it was almost 6pm and I knew it would be so packed on a Saturday night we would be there until the wee hours of the morning. With a 3 and 4 year old. Not fun. I was told I have two bad, deep cuts on my eye and given antibiotic eye drops as well as some drops to numb the pain. And the perk? I got to wear an eye patch. Like a pirate. (This is dripping with sarcasm.) Have you ever worn one of those horrible things? Not only are they hideous and cause many, MANY stares everywhere you go...the strings cut behind your ear and hurt. They are so uncomfortable. My husband took off work Monday so I could lay down and rest while he watched the girls. (My headache was excruciating at this point.) My girls pampered me and brought me tissues...my nose was running for some reason. They kissed the eye patch and my cheek several times and asked if I was okay and if it was getting better. Sweet girls. They took good care of Mama. Today I was finally able to take the pirate eye patch off and go without it. But in the sun, I still have to wear sunglasses. (Madison told me I was a "Pirate Mommy".) It's still bothering me in that bright lights make me feel a little queasy and my head hurt and makes my eye really burn. But it's much more tolerable. And now....drum roll....I have a stomach issue. I'm telling you. It's been a rough few days. I have been battling nausea since around 5 this afternoon and am drinking a bottle of Pepto- Bismol as I type this. 8/  Maybe it's my nerves? I don't know...but it's unwelcome!
Monday afternoon I was laying down in bed and the house phone rang. It was a DHS worker. Let me stop right here to tell you about this lady who called. She is an ANGEL and I know without a doubt that God sent her to us. To The Princess to be exact. She transports The Princess to her meetings each week and The Princess loves her. She fell in love with The Princess also. (It's hard not to.) She fights for The Princess tooth and nail!! We don't worry for one secon when she is gone all day with her. We know she is in excellent care and that she feels safe. That means the world to me. This child doesn't always feel safe in every situation because she is scared of change and people leaving her. I have worried often that this woman...angel....would be called off of The Princess' case and we wouldn't have someone fighting so hard for her. I voiced this to her and she said, "Don't keep your eyes on me. Keep them on God. The Princess is in His care and He is good at what He does." Back to the phone call....I answered the phone and her voice was sad. I knew something was wrong.
“Stephanie, I am off of the case!”. I think I didn’t hear much after that and hung up after only a few minutes. I laid there and tried to process it all. To think about what this meant for us and for The Princess. It meant another person was out of her life and I had to explain this to her. It meant she would take steps back in trusting people. It meant we had to get her used to new people, which she hates and does not do well with. It meant watching her cry and hold her arms out to us when the new people picked her up to transport her. It meant we didn’t have this woman’s testimony on the stand when we went to court in August. We NEED her testimony. It meant a lot of travel again which she also hates and doesn’t help our already crazy schedule. My heart
sunk. I was angry, disappointed, sad, nervous and everything in between. Ronnie was angry. This little girl can’t catch a break. How long does she have to keep going through this…uncertainty and instability. I analyzed it over and over and then….I was determined. If nobody else was going to fight for her…I sure would! I called the caseworker back and asked more questions and then decided to schedule a meeting with The Princess’ caseworker and the supervisor and find out what we were looking at…where we go from here. Amazingly, we were able to get a meeting the next afternoon. Tuesday morning we headed up there and sat down with them and our list of questions. I got my questions answered, but it seemed there was a definite hostility. When we left I was still discouraged. We had gotten answers, yes. But, the hostility meant this was going to be just as hard as I had imagined. I told Ronnie, “We are going to have a hard time standing up for her and fighting.” He agreed. I stewed on it for a few hours and that evening we went to shop and go out to eat. We were driving around and I finally just knew I had to trust God to take care of The Princess. He is good at what He does. DHS and the Judge won’t have the last word where she is concerned. God will. I love that little girl to death…how much more does God love her. I will fight for her with everything in me. He already did. If you rip my heart into tiny shreds, you will see my girls on every shred. God will have the last word and I had to trust Him to take care of her. I had just posted this on Facebook when my cellphone rang. It was The Princess' angel...calling to say she was back on the case. In her voice was joy and exhilaration!! Same as mine. Yesterday she cried with me on the phone for this little girl that she has fallen in love with . Today, we laughed together and shared our joy! I cannot express to you how much was lifted off of my shoulders in that moment. I had peace. It's not over by far...we have a long ways to go. The Princess has many obstacles facing, but she is tough. She is a fighter by far!! But more importantly, we have a HUGE God that is guiding us in this journey. Holding our hand. Holding my Princess' hand and He will never fail us. He showed us compassion today and I am humbled and full of gratitude. He is Emmanuel: "God With Us!".

Pirate Mommy

...that"s what my girls called me today. I have two deep scratches on my cornea...and sporting an eye patch! Please excuse the lack of posting yesterday and today...and possibly tomorrow too. Thanks!

Life without Butter and Sugar....

is something we are not used to. I always have the two on hand. A week ago I ran out of sugar. A WEEK AGO! Do you know what this means? (That I am crazy? Maybe) It means NO SWEET TEA! And that is an abomination in the south. My brother comes over usually everyday for coffee or sweet tea. I think he has disowned me now that I haven't been keeping a pitcher of tea in the refrigerator. And then the unthinkable happened....I ran out of butter two days ago!!!! I bet somewhere Paula Deen just fainted. I mean really...I went to the store yesterday and bought a 10 pound bag of sugar to make sure it doesn't happen again and forgot the darn butter. Lol. I thought, okay now I can make my Grandpa his Pineapple Upside Down Cake for his birthday. (He just made 83 y'all!!!) And I can get rid of those zucchini's sitting on my counter by making zucchini bread and, since they are huge, making everyone else some too. So I sat out all of the stuff last night and thought tomorrow is going to be a little hectic....I have a routine home visit from DHS (a different county than the one the other day), a play date for my girls, making zucchini bread, making a Pineapple Upside Down Cake, mixing up 3 batches of meatballs to freeze for later days, marinating a huge brisket for this weekend when we have family over, and another post on the blog. Well, we can mark off two of these things now! Possibly 3....it's 11:07 and DHS hasn't arrived and said she would be here mid morning?
So, anyway.....I will be posting a lot of food recipes this week that I hope you will enjoy. Some our mine and my mom's recipes and some come from my favorite cookbooks and blogs. Some of these are: Meatballs over Rice and freezing meatballs, Baked Beans vamped up a bit, Zucchini Bread, Pineapple Upside Down Cake, Brisket, and Macaroni Salad. And then we will all vow to run 10 miles on the treadmill together right?
In other random crazy news, since we have been having this monsoon rain weather...ants have now taken over my kitchen. (And I may have to bulldoze my front yard if it doesn't stop soon.)They kinda hang out in one spot though which is good. They have all migrated by my sink and in my sink. I have tried getting rid of them with no success. Yesterday was the last straw though!! I swear it was either the ants go or I go. So I googled effective natural ways to get rid of ants and got these suggestions: cornmeal, peppermint extract or eaves, white vinegar, chili powder, borax, cinnamon and a few others. I decided to mix together cinnamon and chili powder. It sounded lethal enough. I mixed it together and sprinkled it all over the area where they are partying at. BAM! No more ants this morning...well except one little guy who managed to survive....I took care of him though. But, guess what? Now I am out of cinnamon! It's a vicious cycle!!

Good Friends and The Little Things That Cheer Us Up.

Today was a better day for all of us I think. I went to bed with a heavy heart and didn't sleep good at all. I decided somehow today has to be better. It didn't seem possible knowing The Princess was leaving for the day for her appointments. Speech always goes well. She LOVES her speech therapist and does so well for her. She doesn't mind counseling either. It's another issue that she has to deal with entirely on these days that makes it very hard sometimes. Obviously, I can't go in to what that is. Some days she has cried for Ronnie so bad until they have brought her back early or didn't even go at all. Did I mention how much she loves her Daddy? 8) Today she had a fairly good day and this did my heart happy. Ronnie picked her up and of course Madison wanted to go with him. I stayed home and had almost 45 minutes to myself. It was nice after yesterday...I had a Diet Coke and read. Anyway, when they got home I went to the door to meet them and she was all smiles and said, "Heeeey, Mama!" I love it. She was a little aggressive when she came home but guess what?? Are you sitting down for this? NO MELTDOWNS OR TANTRUMS! That's right...not even a time out. God heard my prayers and The Princess had a wonderful day.
Maddie had a pretty good day herself. I know it seems like a lot of the focus is on The Princess. It's not intentional...just so much going on with The Princess' situation. Maddie went with Daddy and I for lunch. She was allowed to pick out her drink this time (she always picks but the options usually don't include soft drinks). She was pretty pumped about her Fruit Punch. She was decked out in her jewelery everywhere one could possibly where it...lip gloss...and her new Mariah Carey perfume my cousin bought them. She loves wearing it and telling everyone within sight that she is wearing "puhfume". She is one super cute kiddo. Everyone stopped to tell her how cute she was, to which she replied, "Yeah, I cute." We took her to her favorite place in the ENTIRE WORLD. You are thinking Chuck E Cheese huh? Nope! Wal-Mart!! She asks to go everyday. I really don't know where this came from. But I'm telling you, all it takes to make this girl's day is McDonald's chicken nuggets, a trip to Wal-Mart, and getting all dolled up to do both. That's it...she's an easy kid to please. (And if you ask her what Santa is bringing her? Chicken Nuggets and "Mal-Mart"! I can pull off one, but the other???) She fed Daddy animal crackers while he worked around the house. She had a good day. It's the little things that get us through. Little things like Chicken Nuggets 8) and a big smile,or a child having a good day. This Mama doesn't need Diamonds or a 3 story house. A lunch date with my Diva and The Princess having a good day is all I need.
Are you ready for the good news I promised you? No unsupervised visits starting soon!! 8) Some prayers are answered quick. I think it's because a lot were going up yesterday on our behalf. And thank you for this...we are grateful. One less thing to keep me awake at night worrying about her. I can focus on two adorably sweet little girls sitting by my feet watching cooking shows. My kinda kids.
And more good news...one of my very best friends called my today and said she was reading my Facebook post yesterday where I asked for tips on what to do about temper tantrums. Her son has a therapist who does behavior therapy and is completely amazing. She is apparently like Nanny 911 but better. AND she is coming to visit The Princess to watch and give me some pointers. She has a lot of experience with foster kid because her mom is a foster parent. Is that awesome or what?? I am super excited! And grateful. Thanks Mandy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God really blows me away. Ever heard that old cliche', "He is on time God!"? And tomorrow we have a play date with my other best friend and her kiddos! Good friends are a great thing.
And in the words of one of the two DHS workers that I LOVE...."God is watching over The Princess and you just have to keep your eyes on Him....she is in His care, and He is excellent at what He does."