Friday, June 29, 2012

3 Weeks...

That’s what we have left. It’s looming over my head and driving me insane. It can make me not want to get out of bed and darken every single day until the dreaded day if I let it. But not only do I have two other sweet girls, but I have to make the most of her days left with us. But when the house is quiet and I have time to think…I drive myself crazy with questions, worries and fear. I prayed that if she had to leave us that she would want to live with her mom and be okay with it. It seemed as if she was getting there after weeks of hating even the idea of going again the next week for her visit. She was coming home glad to be back, but also seemed like she had a good time. Once, she asked me all day long when it was time for her to go to her Mama C’s house. As much as it hurt, it was still a relief. Things were okay if she wanted to go there, right? I told myself this anyway. She would still say that she wanted to live with us….until one day a few weeks ago she changed her mind…said she didn’t want to live with Mama C. The past few weeks she has been coming home with bruises that I had to report to most importantly protect her but also to protect my husband, myself and our family. This sent her mom into a hellacious fit and she will no longer let the Princess call us every night that she is at our house. We even tried letting the Princess continue calling her mom while she was with us and she wouldn’t answer the phone. We tried. I didn’t want to try but this little girl will be home soon and wondering why we don’t call, visit…I don’t want it to be because of anything we did. I knew in the back of my mind that her mom would eventually change her mind about us continuing our relationship with the Princess. I even told her this after the last court hearing we had. She assured me this wouldn’t happen. I knew better. But, I tried to give her the benefit of doubt. Even though I knew this would happen….I tried so hard to convince myself this wasn’t the end. Now here we are…and her mom isn’t communicating. In her mind, we once again tried to destroy her daughter from going home and to disrupt her family and accuse her of false things. In her mind, she was working so hard to make this dysfunctional family we have work. What we can’t make her see is that this child is still in our care and will be protected by us and that we have a family to protect to. Bruises and claims of abuse can not come back on us. She doesn’t see it this way. We have been praying like never before…trying to keep our focus on God’s will and trying so hard to not think ill of her mom and assume the worst. Let me just tell you, this is hard when the child is coming home with bruises on her and stories about what happened. Yes, these things have been documented with DHS and I have taken pictures that are dated to protect my family. Has anything been done? I think you know the answer to this. So many people who heard her story and were outraged by how little was being done for her and made promises, empty promises, to help her and go to bat for her. I’m glad she doesn’t know how little was done for her by the ones whose job it is to protect her. They are supposed to look into everything and be there for us to be able to report things that we think aren’t right. The parents who lost the kids are supposed to be proving themselves…that they have changed and are able to care for them now. Instead, we the foster parents, have been treated as though we are the ones who need to prove ourselves…as though we are the ones who have made mistakes. The mom is taken at her word on anything she says. And then there is DHS who lets the child fall through the cracks because they would rather take the mom at her word and be done with this case then continue it and do their job making sure this kid is safe and provided for. Several of them have said it’s the most difficult case they have ever seen and can’t wait to be done with it. But at what price?? A child’s future isn’t something to be taken lightly and be so careless with. This child…all children…but for me it’s this child deserves the world. She deserves for people to fight for her and to make sure that she will be safe, provided for, cherished. She deserves to not be in fear constantly. She deserves everything in this life that is good. She deserves more than that even. I would go to hell and back for this little girl. Sometimes it feels like that’s what we have done. There are all different types of loved all wrapped up in that one word…love. My love for this little girl is fierce. I have seen the look on her face when she is terrified and anxious. I have seen the look on her face when she was confused about what was happening in her life. I have been there. I have been there when she woke up screaming in the middle of the night…when she was so scared of being away from me that I couldn’t even go to the next aisle in the grocery store without her…when she screamed at the sight of a playpen and wouldn’t go near the person she loved because they were standing next to it…when she was so upset and anxious because she knew what she wanted to say but couldn’t express herself in words. I have been there. I have seen the damage and the hell that she has been through. And it has been my joy to be there as she smiled and was able to say, “I’m angry” or “I’m sad”. It has been my joy to be there when she could sit in time out and cry rather than spit and throw mattresses across the room from not being able to communicate. It has been my joy to be there as she sings softly “Jesus loves me, this I know”. It has been my joy to be there as she says, “I’m happy Mama. I’m happy here.” It has been my joy to be there as she was able to be more self sufficient and glow with pride. It has been my joy to be there as she says, “Jesus will never forget me…he wrote my name on his hand.” It has been my joy to be there for every single tight hug, kiss with both hands on my face, sweet smile, and tons of laughter. It has been a joy to fight for her with every thing I have. It has been a joy to be her Mama. And she will always be my daughter. My Pepper. My Princess. My Laughter. My Sunshine. My Baby. Always…that goes beyond 3 weeks.

Friday, June 22, 2012

We are still here....

and a lot has happened since my last post. I regret that it has taken me this long to update my blog. Sometimes I start typing an update but then stop because I have already had to talk about it so much…over and over and over…until I just do not feel like talking about it yet again. Sorry for the lack of posting for those who keep up with our journey and support us in prayer and encouragement. I am going to really try my hardest to start being more regular with my posts, not only to update everyone but also as a journal for myself. The girls do the funniest, sweetest things and although I put it on Facebook a lot, I don’t want to forget it. (And thanks to the new timeline format..I can’t go back and retrieve older status updates to write them down.) It will take a long time to update on everything since my last post so I will do it in the next few posts. Here are a few of the things that have happened:

*We finalized Madison’s adoption!!!!

* The Princess turned 5!

* We went to court for the Princess yet again.

* The tooth fairy visited our house for the very first time!

* We had a baby boy stay with us for a little over 24 hours.

*We had our first Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family.

* We went on our first family vacation.

* We have a 3rd little girl in our home now whom we refer to as Little Miss Sunshine.

* We have court for the Princess looming over our heads…again.

* We lost a wonderful, godly, compassionate man in our lives. My Grandfather (PawPaw to the girls) went to be with the Lord.

* We have severe anxiety issues…seperation anxiety.


I will elaborate on every one of these during the next SEVERAL posts. I promise. I can’t share pictures of the girls that are still foster kiddos. But I can share sweet photos of my Maddie and cute photos of chunky baby legs. Thanks for always supporting us…we can never tell you how much it means to us. This journey has been the hardest…best thing that has ever happened to us. Beautiful Chaos.


(* I will refer to the three girls most often by their nicknames: The Princess is our first placement we ever had and have had her for 17 months. She just turned 5. Priss Pot is our Madison who is now adopted and will be 4 next month. Little Miss Sunshine is the new baby we have had for a month tomorrow. She is 6 months old.*)