Monday, July 30, 2012

Time Standing Still

Dear Princess,

It’s been 6 days!!!!!! I miss you and it’s killing me. I want you back. I want you home. I can’t stand this!!!!!! Are you sad? Are you okay? Are you getting hugged and kissed and cuddled? Are you scared? It feels like an eternity since I held you and I HATE this!! I want my baby back. I hate seeing your empty bed every morning and realizing you really are gone. I was in Walmart and heard you call my name. I swear it! I turned around and didn't see you...the kid calling her mom sounded just like you. I run to the phone everytime it rings in case it's your bio mom or DHS or anything pertaining to you. I pray all day for you. Madison said today that she “really misses ‘the Princess’ and so does the ‘baby’!” She is so LONELY and looks so sad sometimes. I talked about her birthday party with her for next year…she picked a luau and said, “Maybe ‘the Princess’ can come to it Mama?” I didn’t even know what to say to her. I just miss you. I love you Princess.



Thursday, July 26, 2012

I Will Carry You

Dear Princess,

Just those words makes me cry my eyes out. I feel like my heart has been ripped apart…I miss you so much. How is it possible that it’s been 3 days without you when it feels like weeks already? I MISS YOU!!!! I miss everything you brought to our lives. I miss your laugh and the way it shows off your adorable dimple, I miss you coming to my bed and saying, “Good morning Mama! The sun came up! It’s time to get up! Come on!!” You have such a zest for life..I hope that never changes. I miss telling you “I love you big!” and hearing you respond, “I love you yittle, Mama!” It always made me laugh. You always made me laugh. I miss the huge smile on your face when I told you what a Princess you are…you believed it. And why shouldn’t you? You truly are. I miss holding you when you wake up in the morning because you are NOT a morning person…and neither am I. I miss laying in your bed with you and you whispering “secrets” in my ear. I miss tucking you in at night “snug as a bug in a rug”. You ALWAYS said, “Snug as a bug, Mama?”. 8] I miss your kisses…you were so free with hugs and kisses. A picture person you are not but you obliged me millions of times…even though sometimes it took a bribe with chocolate. I miss hearing you say, “Awww, Daddy!” like a 15 year old when he would tease you. I miss seeing you run screaming and giggling when Daddy chased you and Maddie all over the house being a monster. I miss walking in your room and seeing you and Maddie on her bed reading books to each other. I miss seeing you twirl each other all over the living room. I miss hearing you say, “Do you need a yittle help, Mama?” when I was doing something and you really wanted to help. I miss hearing you scream, “I’m coming baby!!!” when the baby would cry as you ran in the room to make her laugh again…anytime she cried you would tell me, “Mama, the baby needs you.” You are such a great big sister!! I miss baking with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss how incredibly FUNNY you are!! If you were here, there would be laughter again. Ironic that you brought laughter back in to our home when you came to us that night in January and then you left and took it with you again. Madison is lost without her big sister…she won’t admit it but she is. She just walks around her room and the house looking around like she can’t figure out what to do. She misses you. I miss singing. “You are My Sunshine” to you. I miss laughing hysterically when your diva sister, Madison, sings song after song after song and you have had enough and say, “That’s enough singing, Madison!!”. I miss when I would tease and tell you Daddy was so bad because he was picking on one of you and you would always say, “Daddy NOT bad, he GOOD!” You are the most loyal…brutally loyal…person I have ever met…at 5!!! The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was tell you goodbye and walk away. There was so much I wanted to tell you…but there wasn’t the time or the words. I wonder how you are doing. Are you mad at me and Daddy? Do you think we left you? Do you understand that I would have ran to Antarctica with you if I knew I would have gotten away with it?? Do you know that I can’t even think about you without losing it? I have
no idea how I am ever going to get through this. Life without you isn’t the same, baby. I know that you love us, but I hope that are not having this hard of a time as I am. I hope your days are filled with laughter, hugs, sunshine, hope, love and everything that makes you giggle. I pray for you all day, every day. I pray that you understand what is happening. I hope that you remember all of the things that you learned about Jesus. The night before you left Granda asked you what Jesus said and you replied, “He never leave us.” She asked you where He wrote your name and you said, “On my hand!" and opened your hand to her. She wrote your name on your hand and Madison’s on hers. You were upset about taking a bath before bed because you didn’t want it to come off. I had to promise you both that I would write it back on after your bath. People think you aren’t listening most of the time but they don’t know you like I do. I know you absorb every single thing around you and that you are the extremely detailed. You don’t miss anything. I wish we could rewind time back to Monday when we laid in your bed and watched movies together. Everytime you got up you would say, “Don’t move Mama! I be right back!!”. I pray that your first day of Kindergarten will be wonderful and that your teacher will be an amazing Christian woman who sees you like I do and what an amazing, smart, sweet, funny, curious, silly, wonderful little girl you are. I hope she nurtures you, looks out for you, shows you compassion, hugs you, and goes the extra mile to be kind to you. I hope you make a lot of new friends. I wish I could be there to see your first day of “big school” baby. You are so excited!! I worry that you won’t have a lunch packed…you won’t eat anything they serve in the cafeteria unless it is spaghetti. 8[ I know the things you will eat and what you won’t. I know that you don’t have a behavior problem…that you try so hard to express your feelings and get so frustrated when you can’t. I hope they see that at school. I know that you have trust issues, anxiety issues…and what terrifies you. Will they humiliate you for these things? Belittle you and not comfort you? These thoughts terrify me!! I know how to make you feel safe and know that you are okay with me. I have no idea if you are okay, happy, scared, anxious. And if you are, I can’t get to you to fix it for you!! I’m so worried about you. I know I that God is watching over you and that He loves you more than I do (which is hard for me to comprehend) and that as a child, you have your own angel watching over you. Still, I worry. You sat up in your bed the morning of court screaming. I ran to your room and picked you up and asked you what was wrong. You said, “I’m scared Mama.” I held you but I was terrified to. I know you wanted to stay with us. I meant it when I told you that you will ALWAYS be my daughter and my princess and that you can ALWAYS come back home to us. This will ALWAYS be your home. I was packing a few of your things that night and I asked Daddy about one of the items…if I should pack it or not. He said, “No, she will need that when she comes home.” And then I realized…we are all still thinking this time will be like last time. That you will come back eventually. But still it’s terrible. How will it be when we have to come to terms with the fact that we will never see you again? I can’t even wrap my mind around that…I can’t convince myself that this is it. I don’t want to. It has to end differently than this. You are my daughter. And you aren’t home. When kids are kidnapped you do everything in your power to find them. When your kid gets taken from you…you fight to get them back. When your kid runs away you go to every place you can think of to bring them back home. My daughter is gone and there is NOTHING I can do about it. Nothing. How is that possible? I fought for you. I fought for you with everything in me, but it just wasn’t good enough. I hope you know that I never gave up on you. I am still not giving up!! Not yet. Everyone things I am strong and brave. But I'm not. YOU are the brave one. You have had to be since you were a toddler. It shouldn't be that way. I miss you so much sweet girl…my heart is broken and I just wish I could hold you. I wish I could fix this for you. I love you BIG and you will always be MY little girl. I have listened to this song over and over since you left…it’s exactly how I feel…

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you

While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says….
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I Will Carry You~Selah

Until you come home,

Friday, July 6, 2012

Dear Princess,

I am not thrilled with how fast the days are flying by when you are home, yet dragging when you are gone. If I knew how to pause time I would. It’s hard keeping a smile on my face all day when I can’t stop thinking about how little time I have left with you. I wish I could run with you…hide out and come back when you were 18. I am terrified of what you are going to think about us when you go home. I know your mom is angry at us and may tell you that the reason you don’t see us anymore is because we didn’t want to, or because we tried to keep you from her. That’s the thought that haunts me all day long, every day. I can’t get over it. I will never forget your face the day the judge ruled you be returned to your bio mom in March of 2011 you were crushed. I put you in your bio mom’s car and kissed you bye and told you I loved you…I was so worried I would be hurt because you would be excited to go. Instead you pushed my face away and stared straight ahead. You wouldn’t say a word. You were so angry with us and hurt. I knew you thought we were giving you away. When the judge ruled you were to start staying with your mom 3 days a week in May of this year to transition you back home, you were again upset. When I explained to you what was going on you cried and held on to me. When your bio mom tried to pick you up, you held our your arms to me and cried and said, “I have to go with her. Please. I have to go with her.” I cried all of the way home. The look in your eyes…being helpless to fix it for you. I can’t bear it. And here it is, 10 days away from doing it again. Yet, this time it’s the last time. The last time I will ever comfort you, try to relieve your fears. The last time I will hold you and tell you I love you. I don’t know HOW to let you go. How do you learn to let your daughter go and tell her goodbye forever? To the world, I am nuts because we don’t share DNA…therefore you aren’t mine and I should just move on. DNA doesn’t make a family…you are my DAUGHTER and I can’t wrap my head around telling you bye. You think Canada is a safe place for us to hide???? 10 days is flying by and NOT ENOUGH…there are a MILLION things I will miss. But, the 10 things I have been thinking most about are

1) Your first day of Kindergarten…I wanted to meet your teacher, take you to your room the first day, pick you up and hear all about your first day. I am praying you get a teacher who loves Jesus too and will look out for my sweet girl…who will be kind to you and try to understand you instead of just writing you off as a discipline problem or a silly girl. You are a gorgeous, sweet, intelligent, curious, incredible little girl and I pray she sees that just as I do. I have no doubt you will be an incredible doctor just as you plan.

2) The holidays!!!!! Trick or treating, doing crafts, bonfires, parties, Christmas morning…it won’t be the same without you baby. I hope your holidays are magical and that our Christmas gifts manage to get to you.

3) Hearing you read your first book when you learn to read. I was looking forward to letting you climb in my lap and read books to me and see the proud look on your face.

4) Your first crush on a boy…your first school dance…prom night…being there to guide you and answer your questions and teach you about purity and integrity.

5) Your high school graduation…seeing you walk across the stage with your cap and gown to get the diploma and make everyone eat their words!! You can do anything you want to do and don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise! Should I get an invitation…I would be the loudest one there and so proud of you!

6) Your first day of college…even though saying goodbye would be terrifying for me, I would be so proud and honored to watch you pursue your dreams and achieve them.

7) Watching you graduate college and get your first job in whatever career you choose. Right now you want to be a will probably change 20 times by then…I don’t care as long as I it’s what you want to do and honorable.

8) When you meet the boy you want to marry and watching the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle and make some man the luckiest man in the world. Marry a man who loves the Lord and treats you as wonderful as you deserve. Marry a man who when you are older and the “romance” isn’t what it used to be what you have is your best friend sitting beside you growing old with you.

9) Holding your babies and watching you be the incredible mother that I know you will be. Know that you don’t have to follow in the footsteps of your bio mother…your childhood and the example of a mother that you had does NOT define the woman/mother you will be.

10) Watching you grow into a beautiful preteen/teenager/woman who serves the Lord, loves Him and seeks to honor Him in everything she does.

I may not be there for the journey and these milestones but I am praying for you each step of the way. Remember that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent and your circumstances, past and mistakes along the way do not define you as a person. Never give up on what you want. And please know that your home is always here with us and you can come back any time you want. We will always love you and we will always take you…no matter if you are 6, 15, 25 or 80. I love you to the moon and back sweet girl. Goodnight…sweet dreams. Tomorrow maybe we will see what property is going for in Canada.


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Dear Princess,

Today you came back from your three day stay with your bio mom. Daddy, Madison and I couldn’t wait to go pick you up. I looked in your bag to see if the “olive branch” I sent out came back with a good report. No such luck. That means that you have 11 days left with us before you leave us forever. You were so loving and sweet tonight. You sat at the kitchen table and told Daddy, “Daddy, I love you. I really missed you.“ You have no idea what that did to our hearts. Madison laughed at you for being silly during dinner and she told you that you were so silly and you laughed and said, “I know.“ I love my silly girl…you brought laughter back in to my life just by walking through my front door that night almost two years ago. I gave you a bath and when I was getting you in the tub you said, “Mama, Madison had a dream about Daddy last night. I had a dream too.“ I asked what you dreamed about and you said, “You!!!“ and hugged me tight. You have no idea how much my heart is breaking..I guess I’m glad you don’t. You have had such sadness in your life..I don’t want to be someone who adds more. There is a lot of things that I want to say to you that I wish you were old enough to understand. Maybe you understand more than I know. If you can’t grasp anything else please take hold of two things: Jesus loves you more than anyone ever will…He will be with you even when Mama and Daddy can’t be…He loves you and will never leave you or forget you…remember, He has engraved your name on the palm of His hand. The second thing is this: Mama and Daddy love you with ever bit of our heart…and a piece of our liver too. You are our daughter forever, even if you don’t live with us. You will always be my Sunshine, my baby, my Pepper, Little Bit, my Princess and my sweet girl for as long as I live. I may not be able to see you ever again but I will never go one day without thinking of you a million times and praying for you with every thing I am. Mama loves you baby….you changed my life. You walked in to my front door with your big brown eyes and curls and smiled your beautiful smile and it was love at first sight. I will never forget one second of that night. We played with baby dolls and painted each other’s nails. You sat in my lap for a few hours watching Lady and The Tramp and I was nervous if you would sleep or cry all night. I put you down in your bed and you smiled at me and went to sleep. The next day you called me “Mama” and melted my heart. I know your life is fixing to get so confusing, sad, scary and uncertain and I want you to know you will have Jesus and all of his angels surrounding you every second of it. Never doubt that. I hope you never think for a second that we gave you away, gave up on you or didn’t want you. That would break my heart even more. Please keep laughing, smiling and being the sweet girl that you are. The girl that I love more than life itself. 11 days isn’t enough time…but I am grateful for even that. I love you and a MILLION things about you…but here are 11 of those things:

1) I love the way you take my face with both of your tiny hands and give me kisses. It melts my heart every time.

2) I love when you ask me to please sleep in the room with you at night.

3) I love that laugh that is contagious and makes everyone laugh with you…and your dimples when you smile. You make me laugh all day long at the silly things you say and do.

4) I love the way you tuck Madison in every night at bedtime and tell her goodnight and kiss her forehead. Sometimes she acts annoyed by it, but she adores it.

5) I love how fiercely loyal you are to those you love even at 5! You are so protective of your sisters. I feel the same way about you.

6) I love the way you come alive when you are anywhere near the water and could stay all day until dark if we let you…and then ask for an hour long bubble bath. Our little Mermaid.

7.) I love the way you are never in a hurry…you have to stop and smell flowers, look at birds, scope out an ant bed. The world is one big playground to you and you always have time to enjoy it.

8.) I love when you beg me to let you bake with me in the kitchen. I love sharing this time with you. I swear you are going to be a chef one day, even though you insist you are going to be a doctor. Either way, I will be so proud of you.

9.) I love how attentive you are to the baby and what an AMAZING big sister you are. Every time the baby cries, you run into the room screaming, “I’m coming baby!!” and go make her laugh again. You are going to be such a good Mommy one day.

10.) I selfishly love the way that I am the one person that can always make you feel at ease and safe instantly.

11.) I love the funny way you say things because you don’t yet have the words to say them correctly. I secretly hate when you figure them out and correct yourself.


11 of the million things I love about you…goodnight baby!