Friday, July 6, 2012

Dear Princess,

I am not thrilled with how fast the days are flying by when you are home, yet dragging when you are gone. If I knew how to pause time I would. It’s hard keeping a smile on my face all day when I can’t stop thinking about how little time I have left with you. I wish I could run with you…hide out and come back when you were 18. I am terrified of what you are going to think about us when you go home. I know your mom is angry at us and may tell you that the reason you don’t see us anymore is because we didn’t want to, or because we tried to keep you from her. That’s the thought that haunts me all day long, every day. I can’t get over it. I will never forget your face the day the judge ruled you be returned to your bio mom in March of 2011 you were crushed. I put you in your bio mom’s car and kissed you bye and told you I loved you…I was so worried I would be hurt because you would be excited to go. Instead you pushed my face away and stared straight ahead. You wouldn’t say a word. You were so angry with us and hurt. I knew you thought we were giving you away. When the judge ruled you were to start staying with your mom 3 days a week in May of this year to transition you back home, you were again upset. When I explained to you what was going on you cried and held on to me. When your bio mom tried to pick you up, you held our your arms to me and cried and said, “I have to go with her. Please. I have to go with her.” I cried all of the way home. The look in your eyes…being helpless to fix it for you. I can’t bear it. And here it is, 10 days away from doing it again. Yet, this time it’s the last time. The last time I will ever comfort you, try to relieve your fears. The last time I will hold you and tell you I love you. I don’t know HOW to let you go. How do you learn to let your daughter go and tell her goodbye forever? To the world, I am nuts because we don’t share DNA…therefore you aren’t mine and I should just move on. DNA doesn’t make a family…you are my DAUGHTER and I can’t wrap my head around telling you bye. You think Canada is a safe place for us to hide???? 10 days is flying by and NOT ENOUGH…there are a MILLION things I will miss. But, the 10 things I have been thinking most about are

1) Your first day of Kindergarten…I wanted to meet your teacher, take you to your room the first day, pick you up and hear all about your first day. I am praying you get a teacher who loves Jesus too and will look out for my sweet girl…who will be kind to you and try to understand you instead of just writing you off as a discipline problem or a silly girl. You are a gorgeous, sweet, intelligent, curious, incredible little girl and I pray she sees that just as I do. I have no doubt you will be an incredible doctor just as you plan.

2) The holidays!!!!! Trick or treating, doing crafts, bonfires, parties, Christmas morning…it won’t be the same without you baby. I hope your holidays are magical and that our Christmas gifts manage to get to you.

3) Hearing you read your first book when you learn to read. I was looking forward to letting you climb in my lap and read books to me and see the proud look on your face.

4) Your first crush on a boy…your first school dance…prom night…being there to guide you and answer your questions and teach you about purity and integrity.

5) Your high school graduation…seeing you walk across the stage with your cap and gown to get the diploma and make everyone eat their words!! You can do anything you want to do and don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise! Should I get an invitation…I would be the loudest one there and so proud of you!

6) Your first day of college…even though saying goodbye would be terrifying for me, I would be so proud and honored to watch you pursue your dreams and achieve them.

7) Watching you graduate college and get your first job in whatever career you choose. Right now you want to be a will probably change 20 times by then…I don’t care as long as I it’s what you want to do and honorable.

8) When you meet the boy you want to marry and watching the most beautiful bride walk down the aisle and make some man the luckiest man in the world. Marry a man who loves the Lord and treats you as wonderful as you deserve. Marry a man who when you are older and the “romance” isn’t what it used to be what you have is your best friend sitting beside you growing old with you.

9) Holding your babies and watching you be the incredible mother that I know you will be. Know that you don’t have to follow in the footsteps of your bio mother…your childhood and the example of a mother that you had does NOT define the woman/mother you will be.

10) Watching you grow into a beautiful preteen/teenager/woman who serves the Lord, loves Him and seeks to honor Him in everything she does.

I may not be there for the journey and these milestones but I am praying for you each step of the way. Remember that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent and your circumstances, past and mistakes along the way do not define you as a person. Never give up on what you want. And please know that your home is always here with us and you can come back any time you want. We will always love you and we will always take you…no matter if you are 6, 15, 25 or 80. I love you to the moon and back sweet girl. Goodnight…sweet dreams. Tomorrow maybe we will see what property is going for in Canada.