A Heart Shaped What??

One thing the Princess being taken from us has done is caused us to giving fertility treatment another shot. Because maybe…just maybe…it would bring less heartache. (While still continuing to foster). Last time we went we learned that Ronnie and I were both okay but they were concerned I wasn’t ovulating on my own. (Even though the OPK’s said I was when I tested each month). So, we went back In early December and because I am 29 now our doctor suggested we “skip the Clomid we took last time and bring out the big guns.” I suddenly felt like I was turning 50 soon instead of 30. 8( He suggested we do two tests and then start on HSG shots if test results were optimal. One of these tests was a Hysterosalpinogram (HSG test). This test is simply getting a picture of the uterus and fallopian tubes. The test is performed in a radiology suite and a speculum is inserted into your lady business and a small catheter is introduced through the cervix and into the uterus. X-Ray dye is then pushed through the catheter to fill the uterus and tubes. The resulting image shows the inside of the uterus (not the walls) and whether the tubes are open. It’s a good screening test for uterine malformations. It’s limited in that it doesn’t show the walls of the uterus or the ovaries directly. It’s essentially a shadow of the womans anatomy and there are times when these shadow can be incomplete. In these cases, other tests such as a Sonohysterography (SIS Test). My doctor ordered a HSG test to begin and it was scheduled for December 20...my anniversary. I started to reschedule because I couldn’t help myself and googled the test. I shouldn’t have. I knew better. But I had to find out everything I could on this test and other people’s experiences and…wow! The horror stories!!! I was scared out of my mind when the day came. Terrified. People said it was the worst ten minutes of their life…worse than childbirth…and on and on. To make a long story short I took the doctor and internets advice and took Midol 1 hour before for the cramps the test causes. I have these two nurses holding my hands with a death grip and looking at me with pity like I was on my death bed. Not a good way to calm you down and make you believe, “It’s really not that bad.” I thought it was a breeze until the dye went in. It wasn’t horrific but burned some and caused pretty bad cramps. But I’ve had worse cramps (miscarriage) and worse pain (two surgeries). The dye went right through the right tube and was a little slower going through the right tube but eventually went through. The neat thing is that there is a monitor to the right of your head suspended from the ceiling that allows you to watch the dye entering your uterus and fallopian tubes while it happens. After it was all over the cramps were gone and I was so hopeful!!! During it all one nurse leaned down and told me something that I had read on the internet and was secretly hoping was true…”You know, most women get pregnant after this test because it cleans out your tubes. You chances increase by 30% for the next 3 months.” So yes, hopeful. I think I smiled for the rest of the day. The fact that it was my 5 year anniversary to an amazing man contributed big time as well. I could NEVER have made it through most of what I have without his support and putting up with me when I am less than loveable. I was so hopeful in fact that I was sent home with our scans on CD (My doctor said do not dare leave without them giving it to you) and I didn’t even look at it!! If you know how much I torture myself with researching and asking questions…you know how shocking that is. Two days later the nurse from our doctor’s office called. And just like a balloon when poked with a needle…hope deflated. She said the doctor got the results from the HSG test sent to him and my tubes weren’t blocked. That’s good news. But then it’s followed but this: “He thinks you have a Bicornuate Uterus and wants to hold off on shots and have you come in for a consult to discuss the results of your uterus.” Bircornuate Uterus. What is that???? I asked her to spell it and wrote it down. And you know what happened next. Google. With shaking hands I googled Bicornuate Uterus. I never knew this existed and 1% of women have it. 1%!!!! I always knew I had bad luck…but this is insane. What I found it is that a Bircornuate Uterus, referred to as a “heart shaped uterus”, is a type of malformation of the uterus where tow “horns” form at the upper part of the uterus and divided by a septum or a wall of tissue. This malformation results from the uterus not forming properly in a woman’s early prenatal development. It is a birth defect. Apparently, pregnancies in a BU are considered high risk and require extensive monitoring because of association with poor reproduction potential. It gets worse. A BU is associated with the following outcomes/problems:

* Recurrent pregnancy losses. (This explains a lot).

* Preterm birth with a 15-25% rate of preterm delivery (usually 24 or 25 weeks of pregnancy).

* Malpresentation (breech birth or transverse presentation). 40-50% chance. Most cases will be delivered via C-Section as a result.

* Deformity- high risk for “deformities and disruptions’ and “Malformations” such as cleft palate and clubbed foot.

* IC (Incompetent Cervix) in which you need a cervical cerclage (a stitch placed in the cervix to stop premature dialation).

* Bedrest either from week 20-34 or the ENTIRE pregnancy.

* 60% chance of giving birth to a LIVE child.

That means a 40% chance of giving birth to a stillborn baby or miscarrying. Stillborn babies are very common with a BU…as well as miscarriage in your third trimester.

The odds aren’t good. I haven’t been ready to tell anyone the diagnosis…or talk about it much beyond my mom and husband. 40% chance you will not have a kid or have a miscarriage again is a hard blow. But 40% you could give birth to a dead child??!! I feel absolutely defeated, heartbroken and hurt. Confused. If I do get pregnant how much more heartache will this bring? To say I’m an emotional wreck is the understatement of the year. And to say that my husband is a SAINT for putting up with me is as well. He is scared to death that in addition to all of this what the risks/danger is for me. I have no clue. I was born with a birth defect. A heart shaped uterus. I have no idea where we will go from here. I always have people asking me to keep them updated and what’s the latest so here it is. I do ask one thing, please…I know you don’t know what to say…I understand. But please refrain from the cliché responses…”Good things come to those who wait”…””It must not be His will”…”He has better things for you”…”Just relax…it will happen”…”He must want to bring you a family a different way”…”God is in control” And before it is mentioned…I AM thankful beyond words for Madison and never for one second do not see that God blessed us with her and we ARE enjoying her! I’m not at a point to where these type responses do not make we want to throw something!! It’s okay to not know what to say. I do appreciate all of the support, encouragement and prayers. More than you will ever know.

New Year!!

I always say I am not going to make New Years Resoultions...mainly because I know I won't stick to them...but as usual I am making them anyway. With that said, my New Years Resolutions are as follows:

1) Be more diligent in reading/memrorizing the Word and praying WITH Ronnie and Madison.

2) Be a more organized person....this may be the biggest challenge on the list!!! I am NOT an organized person. At all. My husband can verify this. Never open a drawer in my bedroom as it is full of receipts, paid bills to be filed, etc. I started on this today by deep cleaning. Pantry, microwave and kitchen island have all been cleaned and organized on top of the typical mound of daily laundry. Christmas put away all but the tree. This week I need to clean out the closet in my bedroom and nightstands and shampoo the carpets. Next week the shed!!

3) Be more active and healthy!! One thing I am doing is buying all whole grains. I actually don't mind whole grain except for one thing...BROWN RICE. I despise it! We love fruits, veggies and fish in our house anyway. The problem is my sweet tooth. Be in prayer please.

4) Be more thrifty...I actually love making my own laundry soap so that's a start. I am going to try to start taking Madison's pictures myself all except for one session. Most likely Christmas or her Birthday. My cousin bought me a sewing machine for Christmas so I intend on learning how to make Madison some dresses and pj pants for her and I. Hopefully, if I am not too terrible at it, I want to make her a new bedding set and curtains. Be in prayer for that too. Lol

5) Same resolution as last year that I did NOT do...BLOG MORE! I am computer illiterate is one of the setbacks for me in that area. I can post a blog post. That about covers it. Ha. I want to figure out how to post certain posts in the correct categories. This year I hope to cover: DIY projects, Wordless Wednesdays, Homeschool, Foster Care/Infertility, and Recipes.

That's it. And by far more than enough. 8)


Here is a recap of 2012 for the Brauer's:
We had 5 foster kids. Only one stayed permanently.
We had the Princess for 20 months and she went home permanently with bio mom in July.
We are still struggling majorly with losing her.
Madison's adoption was finalized on May 16th.
Ronnie began boat training at his job.
Madison turned 4.
The Princess turned 5.
We vacationed in TX and Branson!
My brother got married and our girls were the flower girls. 8)
My Grandpa went to be with the Lord.
We renewed our foster care license.
Madison learned to write her letters and name and spell her family's names.
Madison can now count to 30, to 5 in Spanish, recognizes all numbers and colors and the basic shapes. She can identify rhyming words. Her vocabulary is quite extensive.
She learned to ride a big girl bike.
The Princess lost her 1st tooth.
Madison has a wiggly tooth that is almost ready to come out.
We decided to go back to the fertility doctor. (Separate blog post coming.)
Ronnie and I celebrated 5 years of marriage.
We had a baby come to us at 5 months old and stayed with us until 8 months old. We MISS her!

All in all it was a hard year full of heartbreak. Losing the Princess was the hardest thing we have ever had to go through. We are still at a loss and not sure how to move on. Maybe one day I can go through a day without crying over her. Maybe. Maybe one day Madison will not beg Jesus to bring her back and ask why we can't go get her. Until then, we are missing her. Hoping 2013 is less heartache and more joy. Our hope and prayer is that it brings more debt payed off and a sibling for Madison. She prays for one everyday. I hope your 2013 brings you and yours much blessing as well! Regardless of what happens, God is still on the throne.
Because of Him,
Stephanie